


Honey: Deception, Danger, Double-Crosses and Dare I Say it, Romance

by Fae_Fiction



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (aka the holy trinity), (with actual cinnamon rolls!(on fire)(but still)), Angst, Autistic Dirk Gently, Because yes, Bees, Case Fic, Cinnamon Roll Dirk Gently, F/F, Farah self doubting herself, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mexican Funeral (Dirk Gently), New Years, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Team Jacket shutting that down, Todd being a punk music snob, Utter Chaos, a dashing of whump, author is a punk who vicariously lets her opinions on punk music be known through Todd, but is also a hypocrite because she primarily listens to MCR and Muse, mentions of - Freeform, mentions of previous cases
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28482405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fae_Fiction/pseuds/Fae_Fiction
Summary: Dirk, Todd, and Farah have seen many a strange thing in their lives. But this one... this one takes the cake.It all started Christmas morning, Dirk and Todd were shocked to discover a swarm of breakfast stealing bees. You heard me, breakfast stealing bees.What even is going on in this one?!
Relationships: Dirk Gently & Mona Wilder, Farah Black & Mona Wilder, Farah Black & Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 23
Kudos: 23
Collections: DGHDA Brave New Year Reverse Bang 2020





	Honey: Deception, Danger, Double-Crosses and Dare I Say it, Romance

**Author's Note:**

> AHHH IT'S FINALLY HERE! (C/TWs at the end of the notes)  
> I want to thank the mods of the DGHDA Big Bang for orchestrating the event. I seriously had so much chatting and sprinting with all of the lovely participants.  
> This work was inspired by the lovely artwork by [ephemeral_motif](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeral_motif/) I had so much fun collaborating with you. I saw the description and the chaos emulating from the art and I knew... I can make this into a case fic. And I had to go with it. We had a lot of fun working together to take the art in a new direction and come up with such a hilariously zany concept of a case. Seriously, go check out the art. DO IT!!! [It's seriously so good](https://stylish-tartan.tumblr.com/post/639130090279714817/dghda-holiday-reverse-big-bang-2020/)  
> I would also like to thank the lovely and ever so talented [confused_android](https://archiveofourown.org/users/confused_android/pseuds/confused_android/) for being a fantastic beta. 
> 
> Ok, now that's out of the way I need to get onto the more serious notes.  
> As with all of my case fics, I go a little into the dark side. And while it isn't a child-murder-mansion like in my first book, it certainly gets dark and disgusting. Lots of squick-y content. As you read from the description there are bees. Big bees. Lots of 'em too. I also delve into a bit of gore and gross stuff with organs and violent bee stings. So if that's not for you, I apologize. Also more of a serious TW, character death, not a major one but we do meet the character's parent so it gets... sad.  
> Ok, I think that's it.  
> ENJOY! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!  
> Let's all say a big collective "FUCK YOU" to 2020!

###  **_December 31st_ **

It started out a normal day for Chris Walker. He was walking down Spring St. in downtown Seattle with a cup of coffee and a delectable powdered jelly donut in hand – 

Oh, you want to know where Dirk, Todd, and Farah were? Well, their day was much less normal. It started something like this:

Dirk was determined to not let the case that has been plaguing them for the past week extend into the new year. 

They were _also_ going down Spring St., not far from Chris, but they weren’t walking, they were running. And they were running fast. They had to be. Dirk, who didn’t know it at the time, was just about to solve the case, and the bad guys were very angry. And the bad guys were bees. 

Dirk was mumbling under his panting breath, too quiet for Farah and Todd to understand, “I’m missing something, something big, something obvious, something important."

It was at this point that they crossed paths with Chris. He was minding his own business, taking a morning stroll with his donut when Dirk saw him and yelled – 

“Run past that guy!” 

They all somehow managed to speed up, the trio breaking open in the middle, running past him. Dirk grabbed Chris’s donut out of his hands and took a bite. He received an immediate, “Hey! What the fuck dude?!” Dirk ignored him and waved the donut in the air. The bees took interest in his donut immediately. They swooped down and all grabbed some part of the small paper sheet he was holding it with, working together, much similar to a stork carrying a baby – to the bees, that jelly donut _was_ as important as a baby – and they flew off into the sky. 

And _that_ was when Dirk solved it. Yes, it was the stork metaphor that made him realize it.

“Oh holy shit, I solved it,” he babbled out. “I SOLVED IT!” 

“My – my donut…” said Chris. “Is it just me or did a swarm of – “ 

They all said at the same time, “Yes.” ThenTodd and Farah turned to Dirk with looks that he immediately translated to, “go on, tell us what you figured out.”

You know what? Let’s go back.

###  **_December 25th_ **

It all started on Christmas morning. 

Todd awoke to the loud beeping of the smoke detector, and the stench of something burning in the air. _Damn it, Dirk!_

He frantically scrambled to push the covers off himself and jump out of bed. _What did he do now?_

Todd ran out of his room and into the hall, and a haze of smoke stung his eyes and nose. He waved it out of his face as he ran into the kitchen to see Dirk in his pajamas, his hair all ruffled and unbrushed, a really adorable look Todd wouldn’t deny, trying to put out an _oh God,_ burning – not just burning – _on fire_ – _how did he manage that_? – pan of cinnamon rolls in the oven. 

Dirk was running around, stumbling and frantically groaning, trying to figure out what to do before he saw Todd standing in the kitchen’s doorway looking at him with an intense _wtf_ face. 

“Well, don’t just stand there, Todd! Help me!” 

It was moments like this that made Todd question why he ever fell in love with the man in the first place. But it’s not like Dirk even loved him back. How could he? Why would he? Todd was a stupid asshole. And Dirk deserved someone so much better than him. But he was just so – What was he doing again? 

“TODD!” Dirk shouted in his face, shaking his shoulders. _When did he get there?_ “Snap out of whatever Todd-y world you’re in and help me find the bloody fire extinguisher!”

Todd simply, all too calmly and slowly, walked over to the oven door and shut it. 

“Oh,” Dirk said softly with a long face. 

“Seriously, Dirk, did no one ever teach you that? You just close it and choke the flames.”

“Well, in my defense, it’s very hard to think when something is on fire,” he said as he opened the window over the sink to let the smoke out of the apartment.

“God, what a way to start the morning. Good ol’ fire will wake you better than any coffee.”

“Sorry…” Dirk pouted while walking into the living room and opening the windows in there. 

“It’s fine, man,” Todd sighed, following Dirk as he opened the door that led to the balcony. “Shit happens… Now we don’t have Christmas cinnamon rolls, oh well.”

“Actually…” Dirk said with furrowed brows, “I think I was supposed to burn them.”

This broke Todd, who had been doing his best to remain calm, “You mean to tell me, you burnt them on purpose?!”

“No! Not on purpose, but looking back on it… if they weren’t supposed to be burnt we wouldn’t have a smoky flat.”

“What?”

“I think a case might start today…”

“A new case on Christmas?!” Todd sighed angrily.

“It was bound to happen at some point. The universe doesn’t take breaks.”

Todd shrugged. “Makes sense. So, what does burnt cinnamon rolls have to do with a new case?”

And almost too enthusiastically, Dirk said, “I haven’t the _faintest_ idea.”

“This might just be the weirdest case start yet,” Todd said, shaking his head.

“No, I think that would have to go to the evil calligraphers.” Dirk disappeared back into the kitchen. 

“True.” Todd shrugged and followed. 

Dirk opened a pantry door and pulled out the canister of oatmeal. “I’m fancying porridge this morning, how about you, Todd?”

“God, sometimes I forget how English you are.”

“How can you forget? Haven’t you heard my voice?”

Todd simply sighed and rolled his eyes. “Ok, but after the whole cinnamon roll debacle, I’m not letting you make it.”

“Fine,” Dirk said, throwing his arms up in surrender. 

* * *

Later, when it was finished, they sat at the small table off to the side of the living room that had been designated as the dining table. Dirk was stirring in an absurd amount of marmalade into his oatmeal when Todd said, “is marmalade in oatmeal an English thing or a weird Dirk thing? And marmalade? Really?”

Dirk scoffed and replied to Todd saying, “is syrup in yours an American thing or a weird Todd thing? And cheap, fake syrup? Really?”

“So I’m taking it that it is a weird Dirk thing.”

Dirk ate his first spoonful of his breakfast concoction and lowered the spoon back into the bowl before he said,” oh come on, you love me.” _You have no idea,_ Todd thought.

See, the thing was, “I love you” is something Dirk and Todd, hell even Farah, said on a regular basis. After The Sound of Nothing, they had been more open with their feelings. Not as open as they should be considering Todd’s feelings, but that was different, he couldn’t just tell him. But it was true. And they said it all the time before Todd realized that for him, saying “I love you” was something different entirely. 

Todd gulped anxiously, something he always did subconsciously whenever Dirk said it to him. “Guilty as charged.” _Oh God, he was_ so _guilty._

And it was just as Dirk was about to eat his second spoonful of oatmeal they heard a very loud buzzing.

A buzzing that sounded like bees.

And they were right. 

Because all of a sudden, a massive swarm flew through the balcony door that was still open. 

“Holy shit!” Todd jumped out of his chair, Dirk yelped as he jumped out of his. 

The bees surrounded Dirk’s bowl of oatmeal, working together to lift it off the table and carry it back through the balcony door and into the sky. 

Dirk and Todd stared at each other in a moment of utter shock, horror, and somehow, _excitement._

This was going to be a weird one.

* * *

Christmas was always something more for Dirk. 

Not that Todd didn’t like Christmas... Ok, he was a bit of a Grinch, admittedly. It’s just, well, for starters he wasn’t Christian; he never wanted to be mistaken for one, or even be mistaken for religious. But that isn’t all Christmas was. It had gained a cultural significance, plenty of atheists celebrated it. 

So what made it different for Todd?

_Family._

Something he had struggled with for over a decade, especially in the past four years. 

Amanda kept good on her promise to tell their parents about what Todd had done. And unlike Amanda, they didn’t forgive him so easily. Hell, even Amanda didn’t forgive him so easily. So that meant he was practically disowned.

That was fine. 

He deserved it. 

And he never really got along with them anyway. 

So yeah, Christmas, a day for family, sucked. 

The same thing went for Farah and her family.

Dirk? He never got a Christmas as a child. So every Christmas after they found each other, they went all out. Christmas became Dirk-mas in all truth. And that was something they all were ok with once they got past the stinging memories of childhood and complicated family portraits. Because _they_ were a family now. 

So there they all sat in the living room of Dirk and Todd’s apartment. Farah in the spare chair, Dirk and Todd on the couch with only a few painfully awkward inches between them. And Todd couldn’t help but notice how the colorful lights from their small, but still overly and very much colorfully decorated tree, illuminated Dirk’s stunning blue eyes that shone with happiness and wonder. 

“Ok, mine next,” Todd said with a broad smile on his face that he didn’t bother hiding. 

Because he had been eagerly waiting in anticipation of Dirk’s reaction to his gift for months. Yes, months. He’s had this gift picked out for quite some time. And maybe it was a stupid idea, but when he saw them he couldn’t help but think of Dirk. 

Todd handed him two boxes, one large, light and flat, the other one small, tall and slightly heavier, both wrapped in a gaudy green wrapping paper embellished with cartoon candy canes.

Dirk opened the smaller one first, a small cardboard box awaited underneath. He eagerly fumbled with the small tab to open the lid and ripped out the teal tissue paper. And he didn’t even really know _what_ it was when he smiled brightly seeing the color of the circular _thing_ staring up at him. No, it wasn’t yellow. _I know right?_ But maybe it was something better because, in the light, the pale ceramic disk shifted from purple to orange to blue to pink to yellow to green, _opalescent_. He lifted it out of the box to see it was a rather tall mug, and the disk on top was a lid. 

“Oh, this is _beautiful,_ Todd,” He said, shifting the mug around in the light, watching as the glaze picked up the tree’s lights that mixed perfectly from it’s already rainbow-like appearance. 

“Open the other one!”

The mug was great and all but the box underneath was the main event.

Dirk tore open the paper and his face went blank… not because it was bad, no, quite the opposite. 

“Is this? – ” Dirk looked back up at Todd in disbelief. He simply nodded with a smile. “You actually remembered?” Todd simply nodded again, “How did you – how did you remember?”

_It’s hard to forget little moments and musings when I love you._

“Ah, it’s nothing. Anyone would remember,” He looked over to Farah for support. “You remember right?”

“Is this – is this something I was there for?” She said with furrowed brows and a tilt of her head, eyeing the both of them suspiciously and they both nodded.

Back in October, they had a case in Vancouver involving a strangely aggressive specific breed of Vancouver Island Wolverines. The case hadn’t started yet but Dirk knew they had to be in Canada. Announcing one day that they were headed to Vancouver and there would be no objections, _hunch._ The first day they had arrived in the city they were wandering the streets when they came across a shop on the corner of a street with a very nice woman standing outside offering warm samples of hot pumpkin-flavored chai tea. Dirk pointed her out and sped up in excitement, he took a small cup and handed one to Todd who pushed it away, but Dirk insisted. Maybe the reason he didn’t like tea was because he only had crappy _American_ tea. And Canadians must have better tea than Americans. So Todd rolled his eyes and obliged. Dirk handed one to Farah who happily took it. They all drank it, and to no surprise, Dirk loved it. And apparently, this was the best chai tea he’s ever had. Normally he isn’t a fan of chai, he said, but this was _very_ good. Dirk pulled the two of them into the shop which was called, “David’s Tea” and to their surprise, they had a very large array of _strange_ tea flavors that he had never seen anywhere else. And the ones that caught Dirk’s attention the most were the dessert flavored ones. But before they could explore the shop further, a scream came from outside and they knew the case had started. 

But Todd remembered the way Dirk eyed the sampler of dessert teas, tempted to buy it before they were so rudely interrupted. And so when they got back to Seattle, Todd looked up the store and ordered the sampler of 12 teas of two servings and the mug. He was originally going to give them to him immediately but then decided to wait for Christmas, because he sucked at gift ideas and if he gave it to him then, he would no doubt be panicking because he'd have no idea what to get Dirk for Christmas.

“I can’t believe you remembered!” Dirk dropped the box of teas and hugged Todd tightly.

Because he really _couldn’t_ believe Todd remembered. He himself had even forgotten with all the craziness of the case. 

And a hug was the _least_ of things he wanted to give Todd in return. It was little things like these that happened that made him wonder if Todd really did love him back? 

Because let’s get one thing straight in this very not straight situation, Dirk was hopelessly and endlessly in _love_ with the magnificent man that was Todd Brotzman. And it was things like this that made Dirk _hate_ Todd for sending such mixed signals. Things like the way Todd remembered small moments, like the way he looked at him, like the way he _oh God –_

_Oh God,_ what was he doing? Because against his will, Todd sighed in content the second Dirk pulled him into a hug. He couldn’t, _how dare he,_ he was not supposed to let Dirk know – 

_How dare he_ toy with Dirk’s feelings like this? Make him hopeful for something impossible and surely not real. And _oh God –_

 _Oh God_ was Dirk nuzzling into Todd’s neck? _Oh, fuck you, universe!_ Dirk most certainly did not want Todd like _that._ This is his mind playing tricks on him. Dirk was touch-starved is all. That was a reasonable explanation, yes. This was a perfectly normal platonic thing. Two sane guys doing platonic things – 

Farah cleared her throat and the two of them were shot back into reality as they jumped apart.

_Salt in the wound it was, the way he jumped back,_ they both thought.

Dirk laughed awkwardly, hiding his hot face, looking down at the tea. “This makes my gift for you look stupid…”

“I’m sure it’s great,” Todd said, concealing his burning face with the excuse of getting up and wandering over to the tree to get his present from Dirk. A small-ish bag.

“Wait!” Dirk shouted, “That’s not it. I couldn’t really put it under the tree… or wrap it. It’s in my room.” He got up, and walked off to his room, backwards staring at Todd the whole time. “Stay here, close your eyes.” Todd closed his eyes holding back a laugh. “Farah? Make sure he keeps his eyes closed.”

“Got it,” she chuckled with a thumbs up. 

When Dirk returned, Farah's eyes widened. Dirk mouthed at her, ‘I know right?’ She mouthed back, ‘I wish I had thought of that. Good job’ with a thumbs up. Dirk smiled and cocked his head in a ‘Thank you.’

He set the gift down on the table and then back on the couch. 

“Ok,” he said to Todd. “You can open your eyes now.”

And Todd nearly teared up at the sight in front of him. 

“Take that back,” he said. “That’s bullshit. My gift looks stupid now.”

Sitting on the coffee table was a small, but substantially grown Chinese Elm Bonsai tree.

“So I’m guessing what’s in the bag is – ”

“Shears and other tools, yes.”

Despite what you may have expected, Todd was quite the green thumb. Dirk thinks it has something to do with his guilt of his past. He was a kindhearted nurturing soul, he protected people and cared for them deeply. This was probably Dirk’s favorite thing about him. His uncanny ability to love so deeply, just maybe not how he would like. But this extended to plants. He loved taking care of plants, and he was rather good at it. He’d been wanting a bonsai for a while, he just wasn’t sure where to start. So for Dirk, the choice was easy. 

“Holy shit, Dirk. This is amazing!” he said with the brightest smile that made Dirk’s insides grow.

“Really?”

“Yeah dude, this is like… so cool.” He wanted to kiss him in all honesty, but when did he _not_ want to kiss him? And he would have hugged him if it weren’t for the awkwardness that ensued last time. “Seriously, thank you. You have no idea how much this means.”

###  **_December 26th_ **

Farah had come over so they could replicate what happened yesterday. Because they weren’t able to follow the bees last time, they had no idea of what was happening. 

So it was bee breakfast take two. 

Farah was positioned outside under their balcony, ready to run after the bees if they decided to show up.

Dirk prepared a bowl like he did yesterday, and they waited.

And waited.

And waited.

“Oh this is ridiculous,” Dirk scoffed after 20 minutes of waiting. “Maybe I should reheat it.”

“Good idea,” Todd said, not entirely sure if it would help. 

They sat silent under the buzz and whir of the microwave. Dirk tapped his fingers on the counter, staring at the revolving bowl of marmalade oatmeal through the clear plastic door. The light from the microwave illuminating his features that were glazed over with a familiar concentration and wondering. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Todd asked softly. 

“ _Hm?_ ” Dirk hummed, whipping his head around to face Todd as his mind wandered out of its thoughtful haze and back into reality.

“You were making one of your intense think-y faces,” Todd explained. “I was just wondering what’s on your mind. Did you figure anything out?”

“No…” he said slowly. “Unfortunately not. I was just thinking… what if earlier was just a bizarre – ”

“Coincidence?”

“Yes.”

“Dirk, you _literally_ work in the field of bizarre coincidences.”

“Yes,” he rolled his eyes, “I’m wildly aware.”

“It’s just?” Todd prompted.

“It’s just... this one seems to be going nowhere,” He frowned. 

The microwave beeped. 

“Maybe what happened earlier was just a one-time thing,” he continued as he opened the door and pulled out the bowl, and put a spoon in it. “Oh fuck this, I’m just going to eat it.” 

“But the bees – ”

“Screw the bees,” he said through a mouthful of oatmeal, “I’m hungry.”

“My whole life I’ve dreamed of saying that, and I miss it by being someone else.”

Todd walked over to the balcony and shouted below to Farah.

“You can come back in, we’re giving up.”

She gave a thumbs up. 

That is before they heard _them._

Farah whipped her head around to see the bees fastly approaching.

“DIRK!” Todd yelled as he ran back into the apartment. “PUT THE BOWL DOWN, THEY’RE COMING!”

He set the bowl down on the counter and threw his arms up with a shout as the bees flew into the kitchen. He stood still in fear as the bees struggled to surround the bowl and carry it off.

“Come on!” Todd yelled, grabbing Dirk’s hand and pulling him onto the balcony before letting go and crawling down the fire escape. Looking up as the bees finally carried the bowl out the door. 

Todd and Dirk jumped down onto the ground and ran to Farah who also stood frozen, only in awe at the strange marvel in front of her. 

And the bees began flying west.

“Follow those bees!” Dirk shouted, pointing at the rather slowly flying bees, awkwardly jogging to keep up with them.

Farah and Todd followed Dirk who was following the bees. 

They ran down the sidewalk, passing people who stopped to wish them a Happy Holidays only before shrieking when they saw the bees, dropping whatever they were carrying. 

“Sorry!” Farah shouted at an old woman with short, white, spiky hair who was carrying a box that made a horrible shattering sound when it dropped. 

And they had been running for quite a bit when Dirk felt his left foot slip from under him.

“Shit,” Dirk hissed. 

You know that feeling, when everything is in slow motion, when the whole world seems to spin around you, and your head pounds and the only thoughts racing through your head are “shit–fuck–fuck–this–isn’t–going–to–be-fun,” as your head looks to the grey sky above and you feel as if you are about to pass out from the sheer speed your heart is beating at but you are oh-so _painfully_ conscious for the embarrassment and soreness that is bound to follow as your body hits the ground.

That’s exactly what Dirk felt as his foot slipped on the ice and he was sent tumbling backwards. 

“DIRK!”

Todd was right behind him, just a fair distance. And though it seemed futile, maybe it was possible if he sped up he could maybe, just maybe, catch Dirk before he hit the ground.

So he sped up.

And he narrowly, just narrowly, caught him. 

But it was with him sliding his arms under Dirk’s back that Dirk’s feet had only _just_ fully left the ground. And so with the ice under Todd as well and with the force of gravity wanting to have Dirk on the ground, they both went toppling over instead. 

Todd landed ass first on the ice, Dirk’s back over his lap.

“ _Fuck!_ ” Todd winced. He looked down at Dirk who’s eyes were squeezed shut. “You uh – You ok?” The words stumbled out of his mouth.

“ _Huh?_ I’m ok... I don’t feel hurt, what happened?”

And it was then that he opened his eyes to see Todd looking down at him, face flaming red. Dirk attributed this to the fall and the cold air. 

“Yes, I’m fine... I guess. That’s me. The fine one – I mean not that I’m _the_ fine _one_ . I’m _not_ more fine than y – You… are… are you ok?”

Todd noticed the way Dirk looked up at him, with rose-red cheeks. Todd attributed this to the fall and the cold air.

“Yes,” Todd breathed out before clearing his throat and speaking louder. “I’m fine... I mean ok! I’m ok. I – I… yes. Ok.”

“Ok,” Dirk repeated. 

“Ok,” Todd echoed.

“Hey idiots,” Farah said from behind them. 

Dirk scrambled up and brushed the snow off of himself. Todd followed. 

“They got away,” Farah said.

Todd sighed heavily.

“Aw… nuts,” Dirk stated.

“They flew up and over this building,” she explained, pointing to the rather tall brick building that stood to the right of them. 

“Shit,” Todd and Dirk said at the same time. 

“Let’s just go back to the flat,” Dirk said, frowning as he began to walk back the way they came. “Maybe this case is going nowhere,” Todd and Farah followed. “I mean, we weren’t even hired. This is just ridiculous.”

“This is only day one,” Todd said. “Who knows what will happen tomorrow or later today maybe.”

“Todd’s right,” Farah said. “We can't give up.”

“But what even is this case? Just bees stealing my breakfast? Seems stupid,” he shrugged, still looking off back the way they came, refusing to make eye contact with either of them as they walked beside him. Especially Todd.

“Something will happen,” Todd said. “Eventually.”

“I’d like to forget about this for now,” Dirk said.

“What’s going on?” Todd stepped in front of Dirk, putting his hands on his shoulders. Dirk flinched back. “Normally you don’t have a breakdown in a case until things start getting… killy.”

“It’s just… Things are usually a lot faster-paced than this. I don’t like this, Todd.”

###  **_December 27th_ **

Not much happened the previous day after Dirk fell. Nothing in actuality. The case was going painfully slow.

They would replicate what happened yesterday and the day before if it wasn’t for Dirk’s hunch. They needed to eat out for breakfast at a diner. _Why?_ He doesn’t know. He never knows so just don’t ask! It’s just a hunch, ok?!

“Dirk, you can’t just have pancakes…” Todd said when their food arrived. “You need real food.”

Dirk began listing things off on his fingers, “It’s edible, it tastes good, it’s safe to eat, _therefore_ it’s food. And as it is sitting in front of me, I say it is real.”

The waiter handed Todd his plate with bacon, eggs, and two slices of toast.

“Seriously Todd, I expect you to know the difference between real and fake food at this point. Remember – ”

“Yes, I remember the case with the imaginary food.” He said rolling his eyes.

The waiter eyed them suspiciously before Farah jumped in.

“Movie they just saw.”

The waiter nodded with an expression of lingering concern as he handed Farah a similar plate to Todd's, only with hashbrowns instead of toast. They thanked him, he smiled fakely and walked off.

"So, why are we here again?" Todd asked, turning to Dirk who sat next to him in the booth. "Shouldn't we be trying to get the bees back?"

"Look," Dirk said sternly. "I don't like bees. They are horrible and mean and who could trust such a suspicious-looking insect? Bees are no good I tell you."

"You're afraid of bees?" Todd chuckled.

"Well," Farah said, pointing at them with her fork. "Dirk is scared of a lot of things."

Dirk glared at her, offended.

"Yes, but those are reasonable things," Todd reassured him, putting a hand on his shoulder. This worked until Dirk realized that he was calling his fear of bees not reasonable. And he found his fear of bees to be very-much-so reasonable.

"Bees hurt you! That's what they do, they sting!"

"Ok, but like... they've practically attacked you – well your breakfast – but they came flying right at you! And not _one_ stung you. That makes 2 times of them not stinging you. They're practically your best friends."

"Did you just – "

"What?"

"Never mind," Dirk brushed the subject off.

"You've never let a fear get in the way of cases before, Dirk," Farah said. "You’re faking it. You’re making up a stupid excuse." 

_Shit,_ Dirk thought. Because Farah was right. He _was_ afraid of bees like he was afraid of other things, but he was more so exaggerating his mild disdain for the creatures. Because it wasn’t the subject matter of the case that made him worry. 

Farah continued. “What makes this one different?”

"I don't know – I just have a _feeling..._ And honestly, I'm just making excuses because I have no clue what any of this is. And this one is going very unnaturally slow. It's not right. There's something weird about it."

"Dirk," Todd said, " _All_ of our cases are weird. That's what makes them _our_ cases."

Dirk sat silent for a moment. He didn't understand how to convey his doubts to the rest of the team. It's just that this one wasn't _normal._ Normal in their twisted sense of the word. The amount of stuff they've seen is definitely not normal. And it shouldn't be. But because this was their world, it was their normal.

But this case being not normal did not, therefore, make it normal in the traditional bland boring sense of the word. The sense of the word that meant grey and beige and actually doing things the way you’re supposed to and by the boring book of mundane deduction that Todd and Dirk didn’t co-author about being normal detectives. 

The sense of the word where Sally wakes up to a bright sunny day with blue skies, fluffy clouds, and perfectly green grass all around. And she waves a goodbye to her husband as he puts his hat on and heads to work. And she goes out to water the roses in front of her house with a bright red door that matches them perfectly (all her neighbors are dreadfully jealous of how perfect her garden is) and she waves a fond – _very_ fond – hello to her neighbor Betsy across the street. 

And Sally says, "Hello, Betsy. It's a lovely day isn't it?" 

And Betsy says, "It is.” 

And they stare at each other awkwardly for a moment before heading back inside. Not able to shake the horribly sinful thoughts of each other out of their heads. But they know it’s mutual the way they looked into each other’s eyes, the way they’ve both looked at each other for three years. But neither of them could leave their husbands. Such a thing was unheard of. 

But then Sally decides to invite Betsy over for tea one day while their husbands were at work, she accepts the invite with a giggle and says she’ll be over in 30. 

And after only one cup of tea, before Sally has any chance to think about the consequences, she puts her teacup down and takes Betsy’s hand. And her hand lingers over hers for a moment, they both look down at their hands and back into each other's eyes that sparkle, and Sally smiles faintly before leaning in, slowly, as if asking if it's ok. But it's all too slowly Betsy decides before she throws herself into Sally’s arms. And before they know it they're making out on Sally’s teal green couch. 

And they decide to run away together, pull their funds, and take a train to the next state over, find a spot deep in the forest and build a small log cabin. Tiny but homey. Ten years later, when they feel it is safe, they would move back into society as just two single best friends. And Sally is finally free to live with the woman she loved and – 

Sorry. I got carried away there.

What I meant was, this case wasn’t normal in the sense that there wasn’t anything to connect. Nothing made sense. Nothing ever made sense ever but this time especially it didn’t make sense. They only had one thing to go off of. By all accounts, this case was a joke compared to the ones they had in the past. 

And all of this Dirk explained to them, just the way I did to you now. 

Todd’s eyes were wide the entire time, he stared at Dirk open-mouthed as he turned his head back and forth between Todd and Farah explaining why the case wasn’t normal.

And when Dirk finally finished, Todd yelled out, throwing his arms up, “Who the fuck are Sally and Betsy?!”

“Sally and Betsy?” Dirk questioned back, jerking his head back ever so slightly.

“That story you just told…” Farah said slowly with deep concern in her eyes. 

“Yes,” Dirk said, picking up the last bit of his pancakes on his plate. “They were the main characters of the last thing I just said.”

“I know, I mean – ugh. Never mind.”

Dirk notices the lonely pieces of toast on Todd’s now empty plate. 

“Todd? Are you going to eat your toast?”

Todd sighed in annoyance. “Whatever, Dirk. You can have them.”

“Brilliant,” Dirk said before pointing to the condiment basket at the end of the table under the window. “Be a dear and pass me a few of those jam packets. Strawberry.”

Todd complied, but not without an eye roll.

“Dirk,” Farah said, leaning over the table slightly, “What the hell was that?”

“What the hell was what, Farah?” Dirk said, spreading the jam over the toast.

It was at this point that they had all noticed a faint humming. They thought nothing of it as it was probably some appliance in the kitchen. 

“I mean, don’t brush it off,” She said as Dirk took a bite of the toast. “That had to be impor – ”

But the humming was too loud and too close to be from the kitchen. It was almost as if it was right outside the window above their booth. 

And if it seemed like that, that’s because it _was_ like that. 

With a loud crash and clattering the glass of the window above Dirk, Todd, and Farah’s booth shattered with an immense force. Hundreds of bees forming together into one mass strong enough to break through it. The customers in the diner screamed and began running out the door, or dropped under the tables at booths, or went to go hide in the bathrooms or kitchen, not caring if they got in trouble because _hundreds, maybe a thousand fucking BEES just burst through the window!_

All the customers except for one. 

Dirk shrieked, dropped his toast, and scrambled out of the booth. 

The bees swarmed around the toast and carried it out of the window. 

They were about to go follow the bees when Dirk noticed a woman. 

_The one customer_ there in the diner who didn’t go to hide. She merely stood there, staring in shock. 

She seemed to be in her late thirties or early forties. She was a bit petite, but her strong, warm presence made up for this trait. Her large, kind, caramel eyes shone in fear and worry. Her long chocolate hair cascaded over her baby blue denim jacket.

“Dirk!” Farah yelled at him, motioning for him to hurry up and follow the damn bees already. 

However, Dirk couldn’t shake the feeling that the woman standing there wasn’t simply just standing there because of shock. Well, she was just standing there because of shock. But not because she was shocked about the giant swarm of strong bees, well she was… that is to say the reason she was shocked is not because it was unexpected or bizarre. She stood frozen in fear because she _knew_ what was happening. 

Dirk pushed Farah off, walking to the woman whose eyes were fixated on the bees flying away. 

“Come on Dirk, we can’t let them get away again!” Todd said, before realizing it. “Oh – ”

Dirk waved his hand in front of the woman’s face. “Are you alright?”

The woman jumped back, startled by the sudden appearance of Dirk. 

“What do you know?” Dirk said slowly, very much in the woman’s personal bubble. 

“I’m sorry?” The woman asked before yelling, “HEY!” as Dirk grabbed her wrist and examined her hand.

“ _Hmm…_ ” Dirk hummed in a ponder. “This is interesting…”

“Who are you?!” The woman yelled, taking her hand back from Dirk’s grip. 

“You are simultaneously a clue, accomplice, _and_ assistant...”

“Did you just say, accomplice?” Todd questioned. 

“But you’re simultaneously _not_ an accomplice,” Dirk said to the woman and then back to Todd, then back to the woman with a cock of his head and a slight raise of his brow. “But you’re much more-ly an accomplice than strictly not. I won’t write it off _just_ yet. But you will be helpful to us nonetheless.”

“Who the fuck are you?!” The woman backed off.

“My name is Dirk Gently — detective. And I could ask the same of you. I haven’t had such a strong and odd hunch of this stature and specificity of a strange scenario like this ever. Well… it’s been a long while.”

“Hunch? Assistant, clue, accomplice?” The woman jerked her head back, mind whirring with the strange day’s activities. 

“Who are you?” Dirk said slowly, still following the woman, who was still backing up. “What do you know about the bees? I promise, we’re here to help.”

The woman seemed to ease up at this statement. She approached Dirk, reaching into her jacket pocket and pulling out a card. “Not here. Meet me at this place tomorrow at noon.”

With that, the woman handed Dirk the card and walked out of the restaurant. Dirk looked at the card in his hands. 

**_Dr. Lucinda Monroe_ **

_National Bureau of Melittology_

_Research and Testing Centre_

And on the back of the card was basic information. Email, phone, and an address that looked like it was to the lab.

Dirk turned back to the rest of the group and beamed.

“We have our first lead.”

* * *

It was later in the evening. Nothing eventful happened the rest of the day. Farah had gone home early, so Dirk and Todd decided to have a movie night. They figured they should take the universe given breaks on cases when they were handed them. During the lulls in cases, Todd would catch Dirk up on things he missed in Blackwing and on the run.

Sometimes, however, Todd couldn’t think of anything new, and they would either rewatch something. Oftentimes, the rewatching things meant Dirk chose. 

So tonight, Todd couldn’t think of anything new, and Dirk suggested _E.T._ for the umpteenth time. Because of course, he would. 

They sat on the couch under blankets with their feet resting on the edge of the coffee table. But on opposite sides, because ever since yesterday things had been a tad awkward between them. 

Elliot and E.T. were flying past the moon on the bike.

Dirk was sipping one of his new teas, the lavender buttercream one – because of course, he would – in his new mug. 

Todd was scrolling through his phone, doing much important case work. _Yes,_ he was, don’t doubt him.

“Hey Dirk,” he said, still looking at his phone before turning his head to face him mid-sentence. Dirk put down his mug and sat up straight, even shuffled closer. “It says here that ‘Melittology’ is the scientific study of bees. That’s what the card said, right?”

Dirk glared at him through his unsettlingly blue eyes that made Todd’s stomach flip over backwards and his chest swell and tighten at the same time. 

“Todd…” He said slowly through a wide grin before flapping his hands and saying louder, “TODD!”

Todd chuckled and hid his face, _something oh-so-unfairly – charming,_ Dirk thought. And then his favorite person in the world said some of his favorite words in the world, although not the ones he wanted to hear, never the ones he wanted to hear in the way he wanted to hear them, but they still made him happy coming from Todd. _Anything_ Todd said made him happy, but that’s not the point.

“Everything _is_ connected…” Todd said with eyes that shined like the moon and a large smile, showing his frankly adorable tooth gap that Dirk loved. 

“Yes, I do suppose it is.”

Todd rolled his eyes fondly, “I love you, _dude,_ but you were wrong. This does connect.”

And it stung the way Todd stuck on that _oh-so-painfully-casual_ ‘dude’ at the end. He always did that. 

“I never said such thing. I knew it would all connect.”

“You _literally_ did. Back at the diner, right after that weird story.”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” he teased.

“Oh shut up, asshole,” he said with a face that made ‘asshole’ seem like a term of endearment. 

###  **_December 28th_ **

It was noon.

They had arrived at the address that Dr. Monroe had given them. Security was just about to have them escorted off the premises before she arrived. 

“Oh, no! It’s fine! They’re with me,” she said, running down the tiled hall in a lab coat. 

“Lucy, why aren’t you at lunch?” one of the security guards said.

“None of your business Mike.”

“And it’s theirs?” he scoffed. 

“Yes. Yes, it is, now let them through,” she commanded. 

With a buzz, the gate swung open and let them through.

When they had turned the corner and made their way into the elevators Dirk spoke up.

“So what exactly do you do here?” He asked as the elevator ascended. 

“My lab works on the efficiency of honey production for farming industries.”

“Ah,” Dirk nodded.

They stood in an awkward silence, staring at the elevator door. 

“I’m sorry,” he turned back to her. “What does any of this have to do with honey production?”

The elevator dinged and the doors pulled open. 

Dr. Monroe said without turning to any of them in an ominous tone, “It doesn’t.”

She walked out of the elevator and Dirk, Todd, and Farah exchanged nervous, questioning glances before following her. 

“What do you mean, ‘it doesn’t’?” Farah asked.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to Farah, opened her mouth, then closed it again. She turned back ahead and continued walking, motioning for them to follow.

She punched in a pin and opened a door into a white room. Chemicals, papers, bee models, testing equipment, and other such lab-y things were all scattered about.

Dirk wandered about the room, lifting papers and such before he started, “Dr. Monroe – ”

She interrupted and said, “Please, call me Lucy.”

Dirk nodded. “What did you mean when you said ‘it doesn’t have to do with honey production’?”

“Well, two things. A, bees don’t make honey from food like they’ve been stealing – ”

“Wait, they’ve been stealing other people’s food?” Todd asked. 

“Just mine… and Dirk’s as far as I can tell, yes. But also B, those aren’t honey bees. I’ve noticed all sorts of different strangely behaving insects of the Apidae and Apocrita families.”

They stared at her blankly. 

“Apidae are the sort of bees you think of when you think bee, honey bee, bumblebee, so on and so forth. But also Apocrita, which aren’t bees. Those are wasps and hornets.”

“Hornet?” Todd once again asked, “Like – ”

Lucy rolled her eyes and sighed in annoyance, knowing his question and tired of having to answer it. “No, the ‘murder hornets’ weren’t in this group of weird acting bees. The invasion was odd, yes, but not like this.”

“So, what type of other bees have been acting strange?” Dirk asked.

Lucy walked over to her laptop and booted it up.

“Just what I’ve mentioned. Honey bees, bumblebees, and yellow jackets.”

“How long has it been happening?” Farah asked.

Lucy pulled up an impressive spreadsheet of notes. 

“Since January. I’ve been recording the incidents, they aren’t always the same species, they don’t happen every day, they don’t happen at the same time, they don’t happen with the same foods.” She pointed at the laptop screen in front of her. “And the weirdest thing is, they should all be in hibernation this time of year.”

“Can you maybe print that for us?” Farah asked, Dirk nodded vigorously behind her.

She nodded and sent it off to the printer.

“Do you know why this is happening? Why you, why me?” Dirk said. 

“Well, now I really don’t know now that you’re in the picture. See, at first, I thought it was just me because of – “ she cut herself off.

“Because of what?” Todd asked.

“Because I… spend so much time around bees.” She was a terrible liar. And it didn’t take a holistic detective to know that. But what our holistic detective _did_ notice was a hunch. And like all hunches, it wasn’t helpful in the moment. He had a hunch that she wasn’t who she seemed. 

“You looked like you knew what was happening though,” Dirk said, approaching closer to her. “There’s something you’re not telling us.”

It was with this that they noticed the ominously familiar whispering of wings. 

“No, no, no…” Lucy murmured, backing away as the thrumming crescendoed from a whisper to a shout.

She shook her head repeating herself as her eyes glistened with tears. Dirk knew something _bad_ was about to happen. _Very bad_. 

It continued growing.

“They’ve found me. I need to get out, we need to go.”

“No,” Dirk said, “We should follow them.”

“I don’t think you understand, we know too much! I’m dead. I’m sorry, but now you’re dead too.”

And the shout grew to a roar. Muffled with screams, the glass of a window shattered, a whirlwind of black and yellow filled the sterile room. 

Only this time, there was no food; what did they want? 

The buzzing was deafening, it was a sensory nightmare as thousands upon thousands of bees of different species flooded the room. Screams, the horrible screams of Lucy were heard and despite their best efforts, no one was able to escape. 

What was interesting was the bees seemed to only be interested in her. And within a matter of seconds, the fog of insects focused onto her body writing on the ground. Sting after sting after sting she wailed. 

“GO!” she screamed.

But the bees weren’t at all interested in Dirk, Todd, or Farah. Only Lucy.

And there was no way in hell Dirk was going to let another person die on his watch if he could help it. And so he would. 

“I’m not leaving!” Dirk shouted. 

“Ge–eh–eh–t–t–t Ou–” And the bees raised off of her squirming body and flew back out the window. Less than before. A suicide mission.

Todd called for an ambulance, he explained to the best of his ability what had just happened. They didn’t have long to get the venom out of her system. 

Her body was a gruesome sight, boils and bumps covered her skin, reddened and inflamed. She madly twitched and writhed, howling out in pain. Dead bees rolled off of her body as she moved, blood-curdling screams burned their ears. 

Her system overloaded with toxins, the seizures had started. Her brain struggling to cope in its final minutes. She choked and gasped for air, arching her back, struggling to breathe. One by one, her organs shut down. Finally, her heart stopped and she lay motionless on the ground the moment the EMTs burst through the door. She was pronounced dead.

The EMTs had struggled to believe them. Bees attack others around, why were they unharmed? How did the bees even get in here? How were they even awake in December? And if it weren’t for the near thousand bees dead on the ground with her, they wouldn’t have believed them. 

Dirk’s eyes were glued on her corpse as they moved her into a body bag and prepared her for the journey to the morgue. Farah was over talking to the EMTs still.

Todd put a tender hand on his shoulder, “Hey.”

“She’s dead, Todd.”

All he managed to respond with was a “Yep.” And an extra emphasis on the ‘p’.

“This is the part of the case where people start dying.”

Once again, “Yep.”

“She’s dead.”

“You ok?” 

“Emotionally? Certainly not.” He said before finally ripping his eyes away from the horror scene in front of them. “But I’m not stung if that’s what you’re asking.”

Todd merely rolled his eyes.

“You’re rolling your eyes? A woman just _died._ ”

“It’s not your fault. It never is. Three years and you _still_ don’t get it.”

“Honestly, Todd,” Dirk said, tears in his eyes that Todd wished he could make disappear. He backed away, hoping a distance would make him understand. “Three years and _you_ don’t get it. Why are you still here? That could have been you or Farah.” 

“How many times do I have to tell you?” Todd replied. And how he wished he could have said something else to convince Dirk. But that would probably drive him away. And Todd didn’t know what he would do without Dirk, Dirk would never know that what he was about to say was true in another light. “I’m here because I’m your friend. So is Farah. We’re here because we love you.” _Yes. Good work with the ‘we’ there._

But that was the exact reason Dirk wanted Todd to go away, because he loved him. He didn’t want to see him hurt or lose him. Same with Farah. These two meant the world to him. But Todd? Todd _was_ his world.

Todd continued. “There is nothing that can happen that will drive us away.”

Dirk begged to differ. Because if he knew how he felt, that would certainly drive Todd away. Maybe he should tell him and drive him away? He wouldn’t get hurt then. He’d be safe. 

This was something he always thought about when the cases inevitably turned deadly.

Dirk stood silent. He was never silent. His eyes peered to his shoes and back to Todd, then back to the black body bag on the ground. 

Todd sighed, through all the cases this part never got easier. The way Dirk’s eyes shined with fear, regret, guilt, and worry. The way he hung his head to the ground. The way he pushed Todd and Farah away. 

“Dirk,” Todd said. His voice unfairly soft. Like a whisper, only he could hear, and the way he said his name sent his stomach plummeting to the floor and his heart into space. And how it pained him to hear his name in this tone. Because it never meant what he wanted it to mean. 

A lump in his throat rose and tears threatened to spill over. He turned his back to Todd, crossing his arms and looking to his feet. And he hoped Todd wouldn’t notice. He hoped he wouldn’t hear the sniffs he tried to make as quiet as possible. He hoped he wouldn’t hear the shakiness of his breath. He hoped he wouldn’t notice how he held his head low.

Oh who was he kidding, Todd always noticed. 

“Dirk.”

Dirk could hear Todd’s footsteps approaching.

He should tell him. Send him away. “Todd, I – ”

“I know,” he said. _But_ did _he know? What did he ‘know’?_ “I know and it’s not your fault.”

“No, it’s – ”

Todd cut him off by turning him around and wrapping his arms around him. 

This was another thing that _always_ happened. Todd would _always_ cut him off before he could finish his sentence. He _always_ thought he meant ‘it’s his fault’. He’d _always_ shut Dirk down. He’d _always_ hug him. 

And Dirk? He’d _always_ fall into the hug. He’d _always_ be distracted by how safe and at home, he felt in Todd’s arms. He’d _always_ forget about driving him away and focus on the moment. Wishing it actually meant something more. And he’d _always_ vow never to say it, for _always_ selfish reasons.

Dirk sighed and buried his head deeper into Todd’s shoulder. And Todd didn’t pull away. He _always_ stayed. Oh, Dirk was never getting rid of him that easy.

* * *

They were allowed to go home, thank God. But they were still suspicious figures in Lucy’s death. They got a “don’t leave town” warning for what felt like the millionth time. The police should’ve known by now that it was never them. 

Farah sat in her apartment, going over the document Lucy had made. She also managed to grab her laptop from the scene without anyone noticing. Maybe they could get more information that way. 

The bad thing was is she didn’t know the password. So the computer was a dead end. At least she had the packet of the year’s events. But they didn’t make sense. There was no pattern. Farah was good at recognizing patterns.

For one, she noticed the pattern of Dirk and Todd’s behavior around each other. And it was painfully obvious. What didn’t make sense was why they didn’t tell each other or why they weren’t dating. Maybe they were and it was a secret? No, Dirk would blurt it. But it had been like this for two years and nothing had come of it. She had decided to stay out of it, let it happen on its own time. Romance was something she wasn’t good at, and she was even worse at setting people up. 

But back to the bees.

She had made several copies of the document. She sat at her table, taking notes of the times the bees arrived, the species of bees, days they arrived, nothing made sense. There was no distinctive pattern of days or times or species of bees. She highlighted information over and over, counting the spaces between incidences. 

Her eyes grew heavier and heavier with each passing hour. Maybe she should try researching Dr. Monroe herself?

And that was even stranger.

###  **_December 29th_ **

See, while looking up information about Lucy, she found a very compelling piece of evidence. 

Nothing. 

Everything is connected, nothing is _also_ connected. And over the years Dirk – and now Farah and Todd – grew to learn that when you don’t find _any_ evidence, that is sometimes more evidence than finding anything _at all._

“Wait,” Todd said, hovering over Farah’s back and looking at her computer. “You’re telling me that you didn’t find anything about her?”

They were at the agency. First thing in the morning they had to be there Farah said. It was important. Important indeed. 

Dirk was busy talking to Mona, who was in the form of a coat rack. They'd usually just toss their jackets on a chair or couch, she liked being helpful even if she wasn't actively in a form helping them. 

"Yeah, there's absolutely nothing about her on any search engines," Farah said. "I even searched the dark web. Nothing." 

"But she's a doctor, there has to be something about her. Where she works, where she went to school, her studies."

"Yeah but there isn't, it's like she doesn't exist."

A look of panic brushed across Todd's face. He wasn't sure if he was correct in his guess so he didn't want Dirk freaking out more than he already was. He leaned down further and whispered, "Do you think she could be a Blackwing subject?"

Farah turned her chair around and glared at Todd intensely. He backed up, arms in the air.

"Ok, ok, sorry."

"No, it's not that," she said. "She could be, but I doubt it. Dirk would probably recognize her."

"Yeah, but why else would she not exist?"

Todd jumped back when he heard Dirk over his shoulder.

"Hey, guys! What are we talking about?"

"Jesus Dirk! You scared the crap out of me!"

Farah had somehow didn't notice him approaching either. The way he just sneaks up on them still always managed to startle them. 

"We were just saying how there isn't anything about Dr. Monroe at all," Farah explained. "Nothing."

Dirk's face lit up. "Nothing. My favorite type of evidence."

Because usually when there is 'nothing' to be seen, then there is _everything_ to be found. Nothing is a telltale sign that this person is so important that they must remain hidden. That this person is so interesting that they must be kept a secret from the outside world. It was the very same reason Dirk for all intents and purposes, doesn't exist. Well, _didn't._ He very much does now with the agency. 

Because there is a lot of work that has to go into making sure a person doesn't exist. Every breath you take a big scream to the world, "Hey! Look at me! I exist! My name is Blah – Blah and I'm from Yada – Yada, and I went to Ah – Duhr University!" Because that's what existing is, existing. Every move you make leaves a mark on the world, and to go back and erase those marks, or avoid those marks is a _lot of work._ And it is just so much easier to fumble your way through life oh so blatantly and very loudly existing for all the world to see. 

This meant that Doctor Lucinda Monroe was really, truly, indeed, and undeniably, beyond question-ing-ly important. 

And it was with this realization that the phone rang. 

They all exchanged questioning glances before Dirk picked up the office phone and put it on speaker. 

"Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, cases solved with arguable efficiency. This is Dirk here, have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness in your life as of late? That is to say, how can I help you?"

The voice of an old woman responded, "You could say that for sure," She laughed nervously. "The coroners gave me this number, said you were there when Lucy died? This is Elizabeth Monroe, her mother."

They all exchanged excited glances before Dirk responded, "Uh – Yes! We were there when it happened."

"I've got a few questions for you if you don't mind. About what happened. Would you be willing to meet tomorrow?"

"Yes!" he shouted before composing himself, "Yes, that would be brilliant."

* * *

You spend your whole life waiting for that moment you’re about to die, never know when or how. And when that moment finally comes, it’s hard to believe. You think you’d be sobbing saying you don’t want to go, but in actuality, you think to yourself, “Huh, so this is it?” 

At least that’s how it was for Lucy. 

Because she knew that once she started observing the bees and recording their actions that her days had been significantly shortened. And she knew when she saw Dirk in the restaurant that she was signing a waiver, handing her life to the grim reaper on a silver platter when she gave him that card. She knew she didn’t have much time to give him the information that they needed to have. The information she so desperately needed to get to someone who would believe her and take action. But she didn’t know she wouldn’t have time to say it herself. But just in case, she left a message. 

Because life’s funny like that. You spend your whole life trying to avoid death, but when you know it’s coming, you welcome it with open arms. 

She wasn’t ready. There was so much she still wanted to do. But she didn’t feel sad. She didn’t want to run. She knew she couldn’t avoid it. 

In her final days, her final moments, she had reached peace with her demise. Maybe she would finally get to see her home.

Now her job was to make sure Dirk, Todd, and Farah could do what they needed to do.

“What about the ‘Bee Log’?” Dirk asked over lunch break when they were all sitting around a table. They had spent the rest of the time researching Elizabeth Monroe to no avail.

“‘Bee Log’?” Farah asked.

“Yes, that Lucy made with all of the stuff they’ve done this year. What did you find with that?”

She sighed, she had completely forgotten about her stupid incapable attempt to make a connection. _Stupid, Farah, stupid!_

“Stupid Farah!” She muttered without realizing it. “I’m incompetent, and stupid, unintelligent. A jumbled mess of incoherent thoughts and – “

“You’re doing it again,” said Todd. “Stop it.”

“What?” She said, genuinely unaware.

“You’re spiraling into the self-doubt again.” He stated.

“I’m not –” she moved to defend herself but Todd motioned his hand to cut her off in a conductor-esque move. 

“You are. You know it.”

“But I – I’m the one who’s supposed to figure things out –” 

“That’s literally Dirk’s job,” Todd said, Dirk nodded. 

“I mean, I _try_ . I eventually figure things out but as of now, I’m absolutely _clueless._ Just as clueless as you.”

She grunted loudly and threw her head onto the table and into her folded arms. 

It didn’t help that Dirk compared himself and his cluelessness to her. He was always clueless. That’s how he was. Did he really see Farah just as bumbling as himself? 

“Sorry,” he said. “That wasn’t the best way of putting things.”

Todd glared at him with wide angry eyes as if saying, “you think?!”

“Look,” Todd said, turning back to Farah. “What Dirk means is that we’re all clueless right now. We don’t have a lot to go off of. We weren’t even hired! None of this makes sense and it will eventually.”

“Absolutely,” Dirk added, despite his own personal doubts. For all intents and purposes, he was lying because he wasn’t sure if he could figure out this one. But then again he never was. 

“It’s just,” she said lifting her head. “I feel like something is staring right at me and I’m too stupid to see it.”

“That’s ok,” Todd said. “Yesterday was a lot. And you were up late right?” She didn’t tell him anything, but he knew her. She probably didn’t want to sleep until she figured it out. And he was right, she nodded. “See? I’m sure if you take a look at it today you can find something.”

“Ok,” she said nodding. 

“Ok,” Todd said, reassuring her.

She got up. “Ok.” 

“Ok,” said Dirk, not wanting to miss out on the – what he considered – frankly hilarious exchange of the one word.

She wandered over to her bag to get Lucy’s laptop and the many copies of the document and brought it back to the table. She spread out her organized collections of failed possible connections and Dirk and Todd’s eyes widened at the sheer amount of papers everywhere and the bright yellow, pink, and orange markings with black scribbled notes on the printed spreadsheets. 

“Holy crap. You were busy.” Todd said. 

Dirk simply nodded with an open mouth.

She sat down, pulled her chair in, and began explaining her thought process.

“I was trying to make a pattern or figure out a possible connection. Something that linked them and maybe gave us a better understanding of when they come and maybe why. So first, I tried connecting the possible dates,” she picked up one packet with the dates and times scribbled in the margins doing the math between occurrences and flipped through it. “But they’re all completely random.”

She put that one down and picked up another one, “Patterns of species? Nothing.” 

She was about to pick up another one when she saw out of the corner of her eye Dirk intently flipping through one of the packets, finger running down one of the columns and muttering to himself. Lips moving but not sound audible. He reached the last page, jerked his head back, then brought the packet close to his face. “Well, it can’t be that simple. Can it?” 

“What?” Todd and Farah asked.

He held a finger up to say, “wait”. He closed the packet and repeated the process. Moving down cell to cell, flipping the pages until he reached the end of the document once again. 

“It’s the food!” He shouted excitedly.

“What?!” Farah and Todd questioned. 

“These are all foods you could have jam with. Toast. Pancakes, Jelly Donuts, etc., etc.”

Farah picked up one of the packets near her and went over it. “Oh my God, you’re right. It even says right in front of us that she had jelly with them. How did I not notice this?!”

“Maybe you were just overthinking it?” Todd suggested. 

“Probably,” she said.

“So, do you think it’s the jelly that triggers it?” Todd asked.

“It’s probable. Possible. Indeed very likely. And in fact.. Almost certain. Yes.” Dirk smiled.

###  **_December 30th_ **

They arrived at a small house in the suburbs of the city by a small wooded area, actually very close to the woods they dug in during the Patrick Spring case. It was a manufactured home with baby pink, vertical siding, and a forest green door with matching shutters. 

“This has to be the most old lady house I’ve ever seen,” Todd said as they got out of the car and walked down the driveway.

“I think it’s lovely,” Dirk said as they ascended the steps to the front porch, noticing a strange feeling of familiarity and something else not quite recognizable hanging over the property. Something odd, ominous, but definitely not harmful. Something dark, gloomy, and death-y. “The house, not the ‘vibes’,” he said in a mocking tone of the word. “The house is lovely, the vibes are strange.”

“Vibes?” Farah asked. 

“Yes, the strange feeling?”

“Nope.”

“Surely you notice it, Todd?”

“Sorry, no. Am I supposed to?”

Dirk sighed in defeat and rang the doorbell. He folded his hands and rocked back and forth on his toes and heels, waiting, wondering if it was indeed the right house.

The door opened and a kind-looking woman with short, white, spiky hair stood in the frame. 

“Hello,” Dirk waved with a finger wiggle. “I’m Dirk Ge – ”

“ _You..._ ”

“I’m sorry,” Dirk frowned and tilted his head, “Do I know you?”

“Oh my god – ” Farah said. “I’m so sorry we made you drop your… whatever you were carrying.”

“Oh well, it’s fine,” she shrugged. “Come in.”

She opened the door all the way and showed them into a very old fashioned house. Bits of lace here and there, carpeted floors, and intricate rugs. Ceramics on display and many old pictures on the wall. Pictures of a what looks like to be young Lucy and young-er Elizabeth and another woman. Elizabeth was probably in her early 80s, meaning she would have been in her 40s when Lucy was born, not impossible but still. 

“We’re so sorry for your loss Mrs. Monroe,” Todd said. 

“Thank you,” she said tearfully. “Please, just Betsy. I don’t like formalities.”

Dirk, Todd, and Farah exchange glances of shock and excitement.

“Yes, I know the name’s a little old-fashioned,” Betsy gestured to herself, “But I’m not exactly new-fangled either,” she laughed. They still gaped at her and looked at each other and then back at her. “What is it? You all look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

Dirk finally spoke, “This isn’t my ‘I’ve seen a ghost’ face. _This_ is my ‘I’ve seen a ghost’ face.” He made a shocked and excited face. Admittedly much similar to the face he just made. The difference being he _has_ seen several ghosts and they didn’t scare him anymore. Just more or less made him excited. This? Well, he was making this face because he had never experienced anything like this before. 

Dirk took a second glance at the photos. Taken over the decades. Some in black and white, one was of a familiar feeling scene. A living room, and on the couch, a familiar feeling one, Dirk thought that if it was in color the couch would be a teal green. On that couch, sat two women and two men. One a much, much younger Betsy in her early twenties wearing orange plaid pants and a navy turtleneck sweater. A man sat beside her in a suit and tie. On the other side of the couch sat another man in a suit and tie and another young woman in an orange button-down dress. 

Oh, he should have known. Betsy is short for Elizabeth. It was so simple!

Another, more modern one of the two women taken about a decade ago, 8 years to be exact. In winter. Taken outside of a courthouse of them kissing in matching white cocktail dresses and jackets.

Another one at possibly pride in the early 2000s. 

Dirk approached one of the photos on the wall with Betsy and what he guessed to be, “Is this Sally?” 

He pointed to the other woman in a different frame. It was taken in the 70s. They stood in the front yard. Betsy wore a denim dress with her hair curled in a Farah Fawcett manner. Her arm was around Sally’s waist, still managing to look platonic with a struggle a queer eye could never miss. Sally was ravishing, her auburn hair pulled into a half-up half-down hair-do. She wore a pink and yellow floral button-down with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of high waisted mustard shorts that were only slightly raised above the knee with an embroidered rose on one of the legs. She proudly held up a pair of keys and smiled into the camera as mover men carried boxes into the, at the time, white house.

He turned back to Betsy whose face was now as if _she’s_ seen a ghost. 

She muttered, just loud enough for Dirk to hear, he wished he didn’t though. “Are you psychic?”

The pink room spun around Dirk. Maybe he was? How else could he have done that without not even meeting either of the women and not have met Lucy yet?

“So _is_ that Sally?” Farah asked softly. “Your wife?”

Dirk noticed his heart racing. When he figured things out, he had an actual question to ask before knowing the answer. There was _nothing_ to even connect when he took the two non-existent dots and put them together. 

“Who are you?” Betsy shook.

He felt as if he was floating on a boat in the middle of a turbulent ocean. Rocking back and forth, feeling all floaty. Like riding in a car after a long day at the amusement park and you still feel like you’re still on a rollercoaster.

“Dirk?” Todd asked with a worried tone to his voice.

“I’m fine Todd. Great. One hundred percent,” he said with a trembling thumbs up, attempting to stabilize himself in the wondrous ocean that was in Todd Brotzman’s eyes... It failed. His breathing continued to accelerate.

“How did you know? _Are_ you psychics?”

Dirk had _never_ done anything like this before. He figured out Patrick Spring’s backstory _after_ he met him. He figured out the case of Wendimoor _after_ he was already _in_ Wendimoor. He solved cases _after_ they started, or after they had enough information to actually connect things. Pre-case, or in this case, mid-case hunches were always small things to point them in the right direction. Not an entire fucking backstory!

“I’M NOT PSYCHIC!” Dirk burst out. Everyone stood and stared at him wide–eyed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I – ” His voice shook with his hands, “I think I need some fresh air.”

“Yes, yes of course,” Betsy said. “Why don’t you go sit out in the garden?”

“Oh thank you,” Dirk said. 

“Through the hall and through the door in the kitchen,” She pointed down a hall which Dirk immediately went for. 

He opened the door and stepped out into a small backyard with what looked to be what once was a beautiful garden. It was barely hanging on. Not just because of winter, it was struggling to survive. 

Dirk remembered how Sally was the one with the garden, not Betsy, and he hadn’t seen Sally anywhere. 

He slumped onto a chair on the back patio and stared at his folded hands in his lap. “Oh, Betsy… I’m so sorry.”

First Sally died, and then Dirk took Lucy away from her too. And despite knowing it was probably old age or something, he still felt Sally was his fault too. But Lucy was undoubtedly his fault. He was there, when she died. He was trying to push information out of her, information that the bees didn’t want to be told. And she died because of it. 

He couldn’t sit still any longer, so he got up and paced around. He needed to think. He wasn’t sure about what though, he just needed to move.

Dirk chuckled at the sight of homemade beehives. Sally and Betsy must have sold honey. That might explain Lucy’s interest in the creatures. He walked around the back, slowing his breath. The dying roses that Betsy tried to salvage taunted him. Death, death, death. That’s all that ever happened around him. How long would it be before the universe took away his ‘Sally’? Took away Todd?

But his thoughts were brought to a screeching halt when he noticed some of the snow in a small area was a bit dirty. 

He shouldn’t snoop. 

Eh, it’s just dirty snow. What is there to snoop for? 

It felt like snooping.

Hunch?

Well, then he should definitely “snoop”.

He bent over and began scooping away the mucky snow with his bare hands, making them numb. Eventually, he hit the ground. And it wasn’t grassy. It was fresh dirt. 

“Odd,” he muttered to himself.

It wasn’t near the flower bed, it was where there should be grass. He trudged over to a white patch and dug there, there was grass there. 

_Why wasn’t there grass in that one spot?_

He wandered back over to the patch of dirt. Determined to find where this dirt patch started and stopped. 

“What was that all about?” Betsy muttered once Dirk got outside. They all took seats in the living room. Todd and Farah sat on the couch, Betsy took a seat in an armchair.

“That psychic thing,” Todd began, very defensive, “It’s sort of a trigger of his.”

“Ah,” Betsy mused. “But is he? How did you know her name?”

Todd and Farah exchanged glances, making sounds, trying to figure out how to answer it before Farah said, 

“That’s a bit complicated. He’s not… but he knows…” She ducked her head and brought it back up, “He sort of just _knows things._ ”

“A psychic is not the strangest thing I’ve heard,” she laughed.

Todd leaned in, intrigued as to the answer, “What _is_ the strangest thing you’ve heard? The bees?”

“Oh heavens no.”

Well, they were not expecting _that._

“Then what is it?” Todd asked.

Betsy shifted in her chair and sunk back. “I would prefer not to answer that one. Besides, I’ve got questions for you about what happened.”

“Of course,” Todd said.

“What do you know about what happened?” Farah asked.

Betsy explained everything she heard. Turns out the coroners actually did tell the story Dirk, Todd, and Farah told them. The grieving woman told them fond stories about Lucy’s childhood with her and Sally. Farah, who was not the best with emotions, tried to help. Todd, who was simultaneously better and worse at them than her at them, could only think about where Dirk was. Last he checked he was most certainly not ok. And it had been a while, he was beginning to worry about him. 

He suddenly stood up, “I’m going to go check on Dirk.”

Betsy smiled. “Tell him I’m sorry and I didn’t know.”

“He knows, you’re fine.” Todd waved her off. 

“You’re a good boyfriend,” she said. 

Todd felt his face grow hot. “No, Dirk and I – we aren’t – I…”

And he walked off, hearing Betsy and Farah’s giggles. He was so screwed. 

Todd walked out back to see Dirk staring at the ground with snow moved out of the way around him. 

“Dirk, you’ve been out here a while, you ok? What are you doing?”

Dirk turned to Todd who was approaching with a stone–cold face of concern.

“Todd…” He said slowly, “This patch of dirt is suspiciously human–sized.”

“Ok, so it could be a new garden bed not finished before it snowed.”

“Yes but Besty doesn’t garden, Sally did.”

“What about – ”

“Todd, I think this is Lucy.”

Speechless, Todd glared at Dirk who was shivering. He had been out here for thirty or so without any gloves, or hat, or scarf, and his jacket was unzipped in its usual fashion. 

“I think we should head back inside. You’re cold and not thinking straight, I don’t think this is Lucy. How would she even – ”

“Todd, I am _sure_ this is Lucy.”

“Dirk, come inside,” he pleaded. Eyes soft, loving, and sincere. _Loving_ platonically, _don't think into it too much, Dirk._ “You look freezing.”

He pointed at the ground angrily. “I really think we should – ”

“I mean it,” he said more sternly. “Come inside.”

He took his ice-cold hands into his, trapping his raw fingers between his palms. 

_What the hell was I thinking?_ _I don’t know!_ _Why the hell did I just do that? FUCK YOU BETSY for giving me hope! Is it really that obvious? This can’t be a normal platonic thing. I shouldn’t have done that. Dirk is sure to know now._ _But he isn’t pulling back. In fact, he looks… happy?_

“You’re freezing. Come on.” He rubbed his palms back and forth to warm Dirk’s hands some more.

Dirk smiled. If it weren’t for the cold weather Todd might have thought Dirk was blushing from the redness on his cheeks. 

Todd’s hands were so warm and comforting and not just because of Dirk’s cold ones, he never wanted to leave Todd’s caring touch. As much as it pained him, his smile faded to a grimace of frustration as he yanked his hands back. He had a point to make. And he wouldn’t let his feelings get in the way.

“This is important, Todd. I mean it.”

_Ouch, definitely not then._ That absolutely _broke_ Todd. 

It was just then when Betsy and Farah emerged from the house. _Were they watching them?_

Tears were in Betsy’s eyes. She seemed to be muttering to herself as she approached Dirk and Todd.

“Please come inside.” She ordered the two of them. 

“Besty, hope you don’t mind me asking,” Dirk pointed to the patch of dirt. “But what is this.”

“I – it’s – ” She stuttered.

Very slowly, emphasizing his non–judgment. He just needed to know the truth. “Is this Lucy?”

She bowed her head to her chest, and sniffed as tears finally left her eyes. “Yes.”

“Why is she here?”

She let out a shaky exhale and looked back up at him. “Come inside. I need to show you something.”

She turned around and began walking in. They followed her back to the living room where she said, “Wait here.” And they all took a seat on the couch. 

When she returned she was carrying a photo album and a silver piece of cloth that turned out to be holographic when it hit the light. The backside of it was navy blue with white dots and many lines.

“I know it sounds crazy – ” She began as she took a seat in the armchair across from the couch.

“Try me.” Dirk smiled.

She opened the book, pink and labeled “Lucinda”, and handed it over to Dirk.

In the scrapbook was a polaroid photo of the back garden. The ground was caved in and smoking, in the crater lie an oblong silver capsule. Next to that photo was a picture of Sally and Becky, Becky holding a baby Lucy in the blanket she had brought down with the scrapbook. 

“She came down in the capsule that night in 1982. She came from the sky. This was with her.” She held up the blanket, flipped it over to show the patterned side. “After a lot of research, we found out that it’s a star map.”

Looking at it in that context Dirk could definitely see it. 

“She was from the Teegarden star system. She’s an alien.”

The room filled with a heavy energy and everyone went silent before Betsy spoke again.

“I know it sounds crazy – ”

“Not at all,” Farah said.

“You wouldn’t believe some of the shit we’ve seen,” Todd said. 

“We surprisingly haven’t encountered aliens _yet_ , well now we have…” Dirk said. “I’m shocked we hadn’t met any sooner. I was beginning to wonder if they really didn’t exist. But here we are!”

Betsy seemed relieved that they believed her. “That’s why I had to take her back, if they did an autopsy they would know. And they’d call _them_ and I don’t know if I could handle them having her remains.”

“Who exactly are the _thems_ you speak of?” Dirk said, leaning in intently. He had a very bad feeling about the answer, but regardless, he needed to know. 

She sighed and shook her head. “Sally and I took her in, knowing she would probably be our only chance to raise a child together. A few of the neighbors saw the crash and called the government, no one thought much of it until a few years later when we knew we had to send her to school. She wanted to play with the other kids, but she showed up out of nowhere, it was risky, but we did it. I said she was my niece, no one believed me, however.

They sent out some sort of government organization, with the knowledge of the crash, they put two and two together.”

Dirk’s face went a ghostly white, _he_ put two and two together. 

“They said they were called Blackwing.”

His hands shook and a chill went down his spine, this was too much. He felt a wave of nausea wash over him.

“They said they could take her, help her, and understand her. We refused.”

_Wow,_ Dirk thought. No one had refused in the past. His family didn’t refuse. How lucky Lucy was. 

“That didn’t go over well,” she said. “They threatened us, but we didn’t let them. But she didn’t really have any powers or anything which is what they were really working for, so we struck a deal. Stay out of their hair and they stay out of ours. No one was to know about Blackwing and no one was to know her identity, and… they would get her body when she died.”

Todd looked over at Dirk whose eyes had begun to well and was visibly shaking. 

“Dirk?” 

This was bad. They needed to get out of here, who knows how long it would be before they showed up to hurt Betsy and take Lucy back.

“Todd,” He stared at the wall in front of them blankly. “We have to get out now.”

“It’s going to be ok,” Todd said, reaching for his hand that rested on his knee but before he could, Dirk stood up.

“It’s been lovely Betsy, but we have to go. Don’t contact us again. I’m sorry for your loss but we can’t help.”

“Are you ok?” She asked.

“Thank you for your concern but we really must be going,” He smiled fakely before turning his attention to the couch and jerking his head to the door. “Todd? Farah? Are you coming?”

“What about the case?” Farah asked. 

“Case closed.”

“You can’t run away from everything about your past, Dirk,” Farah said. 

“What is all of this about?” Besty asked.

“We’re going,” Dirk said. 

Todd turned to Farah and said, “Let’s just go home, we can come back tomorrow. He needs time to process.” She nodded.

“Thank you,” Todd said as he got up and walked over to Betsy, offering a hand for a handshake. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Dirk needs some time. Thank you for all of your help.”

“No, thank you,” she said, shaking his hand. “It was a pleasure to meet you.” She stood up and leaned into Todd’s ear and whispered, “Be good to him, ok?”

He blushed as she backed away, and with a final goodbye, they all left.

* * *

It was almost 7, Dirk had locked himself in his room and refused to come out. Todd figured it would be best to give him space, but this was beginning to get ridiculous. Mustering up all the courage he could, why would this even take courage? He doesn’t know, it just did. Call it a… _hunch?_ Mustering up all the courage he could, Todd knocked on Dirk’s bedroom door. 

“Dirk?”

Silence.

He knocked again. 

“Seriously, dude. Don’t shut me out.”

Nothing.

“I’ve got tea.”

He heard a reluctant sigh and stumbling around before the door opened and he was face to face with a frowning, tear – stained, red – eyed, Dirk who grabbed the mug from Todd’s hands without hesitation and shut the door in his face.

Part of him worried this was because of the “cold hands thing” back in Betsy’s garden, part of him pushed that notion away. 

“What the _hell,_ man?! I just want to talk to you.”

Another sigh followed, he heard the tea being set down, and the door opened. 

“Hey,” Todd said tenderly. Dirk sniffed and wrapped his arms around Todd with a shaky exhale. 

Todd rubbed his back, “I think it would help to talk. Ok?”

Dirk pulled back and nodded, wandered back to the side of his bed, and patted the spot beside him for Todd to sit down. 

“So…” Todd began, “What was that all about?”

Dirk scoffed, “What was – what was that all about? Are you kidding me, Todd? Blackwing. Blackwing was what that was all about!”

“Well duh,” Todd said defensively, “I mean… you know they’re gone. Why are you worried?”

“Yes, I knew they were gone 19 years ago after I escaped too. They dismantled after that. But then they came back. Who’s to say they won’t come back again?”

“Dirk, they aren’t coming back.” He looked into Dirk’s eyes attentively. “We’ve got a case to solve.”

“Why should we solve it, _hm?_ ” He said, pompously. “Because some bees showed up four times? We haven’t been hired, there is no particular risk at hand if we don’t solve it, what is there? There’s a risk to pursue this one.” He averted his gaze from Todd to the wall, Todd’s eyes never left Dirk, if you took a short glance you might assume he wasn’t blinking. “There’s always a risk with every case, and often the award doesn’t outway the risk, I know. But there’s always a reward of some sort. And this time I don’t see a reward in sight. There is _literally_ nothing good I see coming out of solving this one, Todd. I might have to give up jam for the rest of my life and I’m fine with that. At least I’m not giving up my freedom. I’m not giving up Farah, or Mona, or – or _you._ ” He choked up and turned back to Todd with tear-filled eyes. “I sure as hell am not giving up you, Todd.”

And oh, Todd could just melt with that.

“Does the universe want you to stop with this one?” Todd asked when his speechlessness left him. 

“Pardon?”

“Did the universe say you were done here? Because if it did, great job. Case closed. But I don’t think it did, did it?”

“Todd – ”

“No,” he said sternly. “This is what you do. The universe always brings you to cases to help people. I’m sure there is something good that will come out of solving this one.”

“I can’t go back, Todd.” He shook his bowed head as teardrops fell to his lap.

“I know,” Todd said softly. “I’m not letting them take you. They will never take you from me. I promise.”

“But what if they do? There’s not much one person can do.”

“Then I will crawl to the ends of the Earth to find you. I won’t rest until you’re back with m – us.”

Dirk laughed nervously. 

“I mean it.” Todd nodded. 

“I don’t doubt it,” Dirk lifted his head and smiled affectionately, blue eyes shining and glossy. 

And it was like a force of gravity, a string bound around them pulling them closer together. It felt right. Todd’s hand brushed over Dirk’s, a bolt of electricity surged through him, but a pleasant one. If he wasn’t familiar with the butterflies before, he sure was now as they formed a hurricane in his stomach. Drifting, slowly towards each other. 

Their eyes wouldn’t leave each other's, only for a millisecond, had each other ripped his eyes away from the other’s, daring to glance at his lips. Each panicked for a moment, thinking the other had seen. But it was a comically coincidental scenario, for they both had at the exact same time. But it didn’t matter if he had seen or not. Because before they knew it, their lips were scant inches apart. 

It didn’t matter at all. It didn’t matter that each could feel the other’s breath on their faces. It didn’t matter as inches became centimeters. It didn’t matter as their eyes drifted shut and centimeters became atoms of space apart when Todd was just about to brush his lips across Dirk’s _at last…_ when – 

Dirk’s phone went off. They jumped apart. 

How he hated his blasted phone, it wasn’t even an important notification! It was some game or something telling him his energy was full. Oh, how he wanted to throw his phone at the wall in that moment. 

Todd scratched the back of his head, “Um – well… good talk… feeling better?”

“Uh, yes. Loads. Thank you, Todd.”

“No problem, Dirk.” He stood up. Hand still behind his head, the other pointing behind him to the door. “I’m just gonna… go…” 

“Ok. Sure.”

Todd backed up and shut the door behind him. He bit his knuckles and whispered to himself, “Oh _fuck,_ what have I done?”

Dirk threw himself face forward onto his bed and shouted into the pillows, “SHIT!”

They had _royally_ screwed this one. 

###  **_December 31st… again_ **

Todd called Betsy to schedule a time to come over again today. After checking with Dirk he said he was back on the case.

Dirk...

He had really fucked this one up, hadn't he? He was kicking himself. He just might have ruined the best thing that ever happened to him. Would it ever be the same?

But...

Dirk had almost kissed _him._ They almost _kissed._ That had to mean something. Maybe Dirk really _did_ want him. And he's been too stupid to see it. Maybe...

But then again...

Last night was just full of emotions. Maybe he just wanted Todd for comfort. Like Farah when they were on the run.

They were close. And things were hard, they were so alone and they just craved a touch, and it made sense. But afterward, they figured out they were just friends. Maybe that's what this was. Dirk was panicked and kissing Todd seemed like something right at the time, but it wasn't what he really wanted.

But then again...

No... He wasn't thinking about this right now. Right now he had things to do.

It was morning. Todd, Dirk, and Farah were on the way to their favorite donut shop. They figured maybe getting Dirk some donuts would cheer him up. Because after last night, he still seemed uneasy about the case.

Except it wasn't about the case. No, not at all. Well, it was. But he was uneasy about the same thing Todd was.

The kiss.

Well… the _not – kiss_.

He had given his phone a very strong talking to after last night about not interrupting him when he was having a moment with Todd ever again.

But that's just it. They were having a moment. A MOMENT!

Dirk felt as if he were walking on air. The thing about that expression was that it goes two ways.

To walk on air means you're ecstatic, over the moon, extremely happy, and carefree.

But think about it... If you were literally, which figuratively means totally – If you were totally walking on air, then you would be a little panicked, wouldn't you? Imagine something happens and you're all of a sudden off the ground and walking on _literal air_ , ready to fall at any moment. It would be pretty scary, wouldn't it? It wouldn't, don't deny it.

So no, you wouldn't be happy, and you most certainly wouldn't be care–free. You would be very care– _full_. Full of all the worry in the world. And that's exactly what this was.

Dirk was walking on air. He was freaking out. Because this was unprecedented. Unheard of. He might have just messed things up and ruined his friendship. He almost kissed Todd, Todd almost kissed him, they had almost kissed. ALMOST! And he wasn't sure what it meant. Did it mean Todd really did want him? Oh, that was what he wanted most in the world, for Todd to want him in the way Dirk wanted him. But it could also mean that it _almost_ happened, which also meant it _didn't_ happen. Maybe they were caught up in the moment and it seemed right until it didn't and Todd realized that he really didn’t want it. That was his worst nightmare.

Anyways… They were on their way to their favorite donut shop that morning. And I think you know what happens next. 

Because they head a vibrating approaching. A familiar sound. Too familiar. They stopped in their tracks and slowly turned their heads to see what they feared it was and knew it was all along, the bees. 

It took no time for their pace to pick up and their feet to begin carrying them at the speed they desired.

Oh, but curse the hilly sidewalks of Spring St.! Each step their feet carried them felt like it took an extra force to carry them uphill. 

But they didn’t have any food this time, much less no food with jelly. They must be coming after them like they did Lucy. 

_They were running for their lives._

But why? What did the bees want? Why did they want the jelly, and only from Dirk and Lucy? It made no sense. There had to be a motivation.

Dirk was mumbling under his panting breath, too quiet for Farah and Todd to understand, “I’m missing something, something big, something obvious, something important."

_Think, think, think!_

Jam, jelly, bees, Dirk, and Lucy… what connected all of these things? 

Why this? Why now? What was happening now? 

And it was at this point they saw Chris. He was minding his own business, taking a morning stroll with his donut when Dirk saw him and yelled – 

“Run past that guy!” 

They all somehow managed to speed up, they broke off in the middle, running past him. Dirk grabbed Chris’s donut out of his hands and took a bite. He received an immediate, “Hey! What the fuck dude?!” Dirk ignored him and waved the donut in the air. The bees took interest in his donut immediately. They swooped down and all grabbed some part of the small paper sheet he was holding it with, working together, much similar to a stork carrying a baby – to the bees, that jelly donut _was_ as important as a baby – and they flew off into the sky. 

And _that’s_ when Dirk solved it. Yes, it was the stork metaphor that made him realize it.

“Oh holy shit I solved it,” he babbled out, “I SOLVED IT!” 

“My – my donut…” Said Chris, “Is it just me or did a swarm of – “ 

They all said at the same time, “Yes.” Before Todd and Farah turned to Dirk with looks that he immediately translated to, “Go on, tell us what you figured out.”

“What the hell, man?!” Chris shouted. 

Dirk pulled a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the man to get him to shut up. It worked and he walked away. 

“No time! Back to the office! I have a theory to test!”

Todd and Farah exchanged glances of confusion. 

“I’ll explain on the way! We have…” he pulled out his phone and looked at the time. _10:07_. “If my theory is correct we only have 13 hours and 53 minutes to save the world, or at least the greater Seattle area.”

“Well, that escalated quickly,” Farah stated.

“Yes, and we better escalate quickly back to the office!” Dirk shouted and began to walk briskly back in the direction of the office.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Todd laughed as he followed Dirk, Farah followed him.

“Shut up!” Dirk said. 

“So would you mind explaining what the hell is happening?” Todd shouted.

“Ok so, who are the only ones getting breakfast stolen?” Dirk asked.

“You and Lucy.” Todd and Farah said. 

“Exactly. What do we have in common?”

“I don’t know – ” Todd said.

“Blackwing. I’m… Well, I don’t know exactly _what_ I am, I don’t think I’m an alien but I am _something_ bigger, something strange.”

“But what does this have to do with the bees?” Farah asked.

“I’m getting to it!”

Strangers on the street glanced at the strange Brit yelling about aliens and black wings and bees. They all paid no mind to this. 

“The bees are plotting something. Something big. They’re tired of our bullshit and want us gone!” He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and turned around to face Farah and Todd who stared at him in confusion. He waved his hands about as he explained, “Think about it, what do bees give the new queen?”

Todd’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly, he said quietly in his realization, “Royal jelly.”

Dirk pointed at Todd excitedly, “Exactly! They only take our food after we’ve eaten some part of it! It must have to be Lucy’s and my strange DNA.” He emphasized his serious point by stopping his hand waving and held them on the edge of an invisible table. “They’re collecting our DNA to super–boost the new queen or something! Make her big, give her powers maybe. And they’re doing it with our jam, or jelly as you call it.”

“This sounds crazy, Dirk,” Farah said with a skeptical stare. “Even for us.”

“They’ve already got crazy strength, they seem to be more intelligent, so just take a moment to imagine the size and strength of their queen! This is bad. We have until midnight. Until the new year. The new year dawns without humans. They’re going to kill us all.”

“Well, then we have no time to waste!” Todd said. 

Dirk smiled and began running. Todd wasted no time in running after him. Farah shook her head, unable to believe what Dirk had just said. But he had just solved it, it must be true. 

**_12 hours until the end of the world – 12 p.m._ **

They had spent hours trying to figure out the password for Lucy’s computer. They needed whatever information she had. She knew much more than Dirk had figured out. For example, where the bees were congregating. There was a lot of information on that computer that they needed, that the universe wouldn’t straight up tell Dirk. Because the universe was just a pain in the arse for him. 

See, Lucy had spent a lot of time researching what was happening with the bees. They took from her and let her continue watching them, she was their only source of odd DNA that could hyper boost the royal jelly, they had to let her live despite the fact that she was snooping. 

That is until they found out about Dirk. He could provide them with the DNA too. They weren’t going to kill either of them now that they had more. 

Until they crossed paths. They knew Dirk had the resources to stop them if she told them. No one would believe just her. Dirk? He would believe her, _and_ he could stop them. That’s why Lucy had to die. She had to die before Dirk knew too much. 

But it was New Year’s Eve, and they were almost ready. They didn’t need any more DNA, they could just kill Dirk and his friends now. 

“Thank you, Betsy. We’ll do our best.” Todd hung up the phone and headed back to the table where Dirk and Farah were working vigilantly to stop the apocalypse and figure out the password. “No luck, she doesn’t know it.”

Dirk gasped very loudly and leaned back with so much force his chair almost tipped over. 

“Try Teegarden!” He shouted, patting Farah’s shoulder telling her to hurry up and do it already. 

Farah clacked and clicked at the keyboard, dots filled the bar and with the last hit of the enter bar, the computer opened. 

Cheers filled the room and celebratory hugs were sent around. Except for Dirk and Todd, who anxiously settled on a celebratory high–five.

She pulled up a file on the desktop labeled “For Dirk”.

_Hey Dirk. If you’re reading this, I’m dead. On the bright side, my death can put a stop to all of this._

_I’m sorry they got to me before I could tell you everything you needed to know, but perhaps it’s for the best. The greater good._

_Here’s what you need to know:_

The note went on like that for some time, explaining all of her research. He was right. About everything. The bees were going to kill all of the humans, they’re tired of our bullshit. 

_The bees have taken over the Seattle sewer system and turned it into a massive hive. The queen’s chamber is closest to an entrance in the Seattle Underground._

“Well this is very helpful,” Dirk said. 

_Now, how to put a stop to the end of the world? Something about the bees isn’t exactly terrestrial, and that isn’t just my DNA altering them that makes me say so. They seem to have a psychic link. Take the queen down, take all of them down. This won’t affect the ecosystem though, the bees in the ecosystem_ are _terrestrial._

_The sewer bees aren’t like the bees on the surface. They’re... different, bigger. And the queen will be the biggest out of all of them. I’m not sure how big. Her natural size as queen of already big bees should be about the size of a fully grown human. With the jelly and our DNA? Could range from a horse to the size of an SUV._

_There is only one way to kill the queen. Traditional weapons won’t work. Her exoskeleton will be too thick, she will have grown so much. We have to kill her internally._

_It’s my hypothesis that since only a small amount of DNA is taken each day, a small saliva sample diluted with jelly, a large amount could possibly harm the queen._

_I need you to take my brain and feed it to the queen._

Dirk, Todd, and Farah exchanged glances of horror and disgust. 

“What the fuck?” Dirk yelled. 

“Well, that’s what it says to do,” Todd said, fighting down bile rising to his throat.

_It’s the only way. I assure you, it should work._

_My alien DNA in high quantities should overload the queen’s system._

_If I’m right, my mother has my corpse. Her contact information is at the bottom of the document. Make sure to show her this, and the other one marked, “For Mom”._

_You can do this Dirk. If the bees took interest in you, then you’re important. If you’re important you have the power to stop them._

_Best of luck, Lucinda Monroe_

“Well then,” Dirk said, “We better get going.”

He shut the laptop and picked it up, he grabbed Mona who was a golden balloon in the shape of “2021” and headed out the door before turning back to Todd and Farah, “Come along!”

**_6 hours until the end of the world – 6 p.m._ **

Traffic could not be slower. It took them 2 hours to get to Betsy’s. It took another half hour of trying to explain to her that it had to be done. It took another hour to dig her up, and it took another half hour to get her brain out without vomiting. It then took two hours to return to the city.

They made their way to Pioneer Square, hoping to catch one of the last tours of the day so they could quietly slip off into the sewers. But upon arrival, it was already closed. 

“Shit,” Todd mumbled. 

“Well, we can always B&E,” Dirk suggested. 

“Looks like that’s what we’re going to have to do,” Farah sighed. She liked to avoid breaking the law whenever possible 

They saw these two punk-looking college-age kids approach them. Todd couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what he really looked like back in the day. So tiny, so full of himself, thought he was so cool. Kids these days, probably didn’t even know who The Buzzcocks were. _Gross!_ Did he literally just think that thought? Kids these days? Makes him sound old… he is _not_ old. He just has an appreciation for the classics! All these kids know is probably Green Day and MCR. They weren’t true punks. 

One of them nodded, “hey,” in a very ‘cool guy’ manner, clutching the sides of their leather vest.

“Hello!” Dirk said, all too cheerfully. 

“We noticed ya saying you’d break-in,” the other one continued. “What if we told you, you didn’t have to? There’s a New Year's party later tonight.”

“And why are you telling us this?” Todd said. 

One smiled to the other, trying to keep the bubbling happiness at bay. Finally, one managed to ask, 

“Are you Todd Brotzman? From the Mexican Funeral?”

Oh, he wanted to hide in a shell and never come out. He shuddered at it. The thought that more people recognized him. He shouldn’t be so surprised though. He was still in Seattle.

“He really just so is,” Dirk said for Todd who stood speechless. Tina asking was one thing, but this felt different.

“This is like… the coolest fucking thing that has ever happened to me!” one said. 

“You definitely can’t say no now,” the other said.

“Oh, you are so coming to this party.”

Farah was cracking up at the exchange. 

“We are definitely coming,” Dirk said. Todd was about to object. He did not want to be pointed at by a whole bunch of college kids who recognized him, a night of shame and misery of the past. Dirk stopped Todd mid–sentence. “We are. No objections.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “The case. We have to.” 

Todd rolled his eyes. “Fine.” Just because he had to do it didn’t mean he wouldn’t complain. 

“Oh, this is going to be great!” one shouted.

“Party starts at 10, same place. Can we count on seeing you all?”

“Definitely,” Dirk smiled.

**_2 hours until the end of the world – 10:00 p.m._ **

They arrived a few minutes late, as Dirk was fumbling around trying to find something very important — he said. Although Todd wasn’t sure what he was talking about, despite the fact Dirk said he never left home without them, and then proceeded to not tell Todd what he was looking for.

Anyway, they arrived at the party, looking a little undressed, Todd especially who was wearing a hoodie and flannel, Dirk and Farah could pass with their leather jackets. Most people there were all decked out in glitter and sequins in the classic new year fashion. This was something the various partygoers fixed easily in giving them hats, and headbands and glasses, and colorful shiny bead necklaces. Mona – who was still a balloon – took inspiration from this and turned into a beaded necklace for Dirk. 

It was filled to the brim with college students. The underground space smelled of dirt and dust, mixed unpleasantly with cheap beer, even cheaper body spray, and sweat. It was disgusting. Loud, pulsating, trashy EDM and pop blared through speakers filling the space with a beat that squeezed their hearts with the bass. 

“You made it!” Someone tapped Todd on the shoulder. He jumped around to see the punks from earlier, he had hence decided definitely didn’t have taste if they still liked Mexican Funeral. 

“Oh look it’s them! Hello!” Dirk waved cheerily. 

“Yes. Hi,” Todd grumbled. “We don’t really have the time to talk – ”

“Aw, come on!” one whined, “Can’t we have a little fun?”

“It’s New Year’s Eve, we’re underground, we’re at a party, and you’re telling me you’re just gonna leave? Why did you even want to break into here?”

“What’s in the bag?” One pointed to the backpack Dirk was carrying. The backpack that had alien brains.

Dirk stuttered for a moment before settling on, “stuff.”

“What ‘stuff’?”

“Just stuff,” Farah said. “Seriously, we have to go.”

“At least let us hang out with you, this music sucks.”

“No,” all three of them said. 

“You guys suck.”

“Well,” Todd began, “You’ve met me so… that’s enough. Seriously, we have to go.”

“Rude.” And they _finally_ walked away.

Dirk let out a dramatic sigh of relief. 

“Ok. Which way are the sewers?” he said, whipping his head around, getting a proper look at their surroundings. As proper a look as you can get with a bunch of drunk college kids dancing. 

It was dark, if you ignored the tawdry multicolored party lights that barely did any difference. It was almost impossible to see and they were one love spell off from this being The Sound Of Nothing. Admittedly, Dirk and Todd secretly wished it was. Because it only spilled the truth, and at the time both were oblivious to their own feelings if they were present. Now with the spell, a similar confession would take place. They both were aware deep down that the other reciprocated their feelings, over the past 24 hours they had thought about it a lot. And they had come to the conclusion that after this was over they _should_ confess their feelings, that didn’t mean they _would_. They were both too afraid to do that. That would still probably never happen.

A love spell most certainly would make things easier. Make a confession second nature, this confession would most likely end with glow sticks around Todd’s neck for a different reason. But they didn’t have glow sticks. They wished they had glow sticks. Maybe it would be easier to see if they had them.

“Mona?” Dirk said, It’s a little dark in here. Do you think you could turn into some glow sticks, please?” 

With that, the extra beaded necklace around Dirk’s neck turned into a new necklace. A black string with pink and blue glow sticks attached. 

“Why not a flashlight?” Todd asked with furrowed brows. 

“Well, I think a flashlight would be rather obvious don’t you think, Todd?” He rolled his eyes, to which Todd rolled his. “Besides, we have our phones for that. Glow sticks are more fun.”

With that, they pressed forward. Following the pipes on the walls and the chords on the ceiling. Weaving around support beams and bodies in the sweltering fog of body heat. No one wanted to be in sewers, but maybe the stench would be preferable to the overload that was the party. With its blaring bass that made your heart jump, and its whooping Greeks, and its trashy music — had Todd pointed out the trashy music? Yes, Todd had pointed out the trashy music. In his defense, it was very trashy. Made his ears bleed with its overused autotune and synths. Synths are only tasteful in Frank Iero solos and maybe a few Muse songs. Only a few, they had become too reliant on it in the past few years. 

The further they ventured the less people were around, it got darker with that too. But thankfully the light from Mona and their party garb sufficed. and they continued until they were alone, walking through the bricked, cobwebbed covered halls of the Seattle underground. Remnants of buildings abandoned sent chills down their spine. They watched their step over wooden planks falling from the decrepit window panes and shutters and large rock and brick chunks. 

**_1 hour and 31 minutes until the end of the world – 10:29 p.m._ **

When the pipes soon started falling down the wall, they knew they were getting close. They jogged, watching the pipes descend, until finally, they fell into the floor. They went further until they found a cover distinctly over the entrance of the sewers. 

With smiles all around, Farah bent down to pick up the cover and move it out of the way. 

The smell was something else. What do you expect? It was a sewer. Farah went next, then Todd,

From above, you could hear extremely faint notes of the party’s music. Barely there with the distance separating them from the main party. 

It quickly became clear that the sewers weren’t what they expected. Some of the brick was covered in sparse honeycomb, much larger than it ever should be. And there seemed to only be one way to go: forward. 

And that wouldn't be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that the water going forward was significantly deeper than it was on the landing. It didn’t seem like the water should be knee height, but it was. It started small: ankle deep. Building, deepening more and more, calf height, knee height, slightly above knee height. They all groaned respectively knowing they would have to trudge through this hell. 

That was before they noticed the abundance of rats floating dead on the water. And it wasn’t one or two, not six or seven, but many rats floating dead on the water’s surface. Among the rats also seemed to be bits of molted shell. Farah had concluded that the water must be toxic from the strange bee’s shells. And she was about to say so, say they should find a way through without touching the water, say that they should maybe find a different entrance, say anything to prevent danger before she noticed Dirk sans socks and shoes, jeans rolled up, already trudging through the water. 

“ _EWW!_ ” he grimaced. Shifting around he could hear a faint squelch; he wasn't sure if his overactive imagination was doing it, or if there really was something gross. “There is something slimy on the floor and I don’t like it!”

“Dirk!” Farah yelled. “Get back here!”

Todd was about to follow suit, still wary of the water, he crouched down, reached out, and touched the surface. The second his fingertip hit the water he jumped back and yelped in pain. It stung like acid. 

“Todd?!” Dirk ran as fast as he could back through the deepening, well, now shallowing water. 

Todd shook his finger out and looked at it, a small blistering burn had begun to form.

“Shit,” he hissed. 

“Are you alright Todd?!” Dirk said, grabbing his hand and examining it. A small frown formed on his face looking at his fingertip.

“What the hell, are _you_ alright?!” Todd yelled at Dirk in an affectionately aggressive manner. “You went in all ‘gung-ho’.”

“I’m quite alright, Todd. I think I should be asking you that – ”

“It’s the tiniest burn I have ever seen, Dirk. I’m fine. It’s just uncomfortable.”

“If you say so,” he said with brows of worry. 

“I think – they use your DNA right?” Farah said, Dirk nodded. “Maybe whatever toxic thing is in the water you are immune to.” 

“I say that makes sense,” he shrugged. 

“Great,” Todd began, utterly annoyed. “How are we going to get to the queen?” 

Dirk pondered for a second before he came up with the solution. A solution he would most likely regret for a few days.

“What if... I carried you through the water?”

“Dirk,” Farah began, shaking her head, “I don’t think that’s a good – ”

“No,” Todd said, smiling in a stupid flighty way, “I think this a good idea.”

Dirk loved that stupid flighty smile and the way his eyes shined with sincerity.

“Dirk you could hurt yourself,” Farah said. 

He waved her off, “Oh, I’ll be fine. I used to lift a lot back in Black– ” he frowned… “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes. I’ll be fine. Now,” he held out his arms, “climb aboard the Dirk train!” 

Todd shrugged, fighting back a smile at the thought of Dirk carrying him. He wrapped his arms around Dirk’s neck, Dirk couldn’t conceal his smile, Todd thankfully didn’t notice. Farah just sighed. Todd looked at Dirk with a nod, warning him before he lifted his legs off the ground; it wasn’t enough warning because Dirk almost fell over as Todd wrapped his legs around his hips. 

“Maybe just – ” Dirk grunted as Todd clung onto him for dear life, literally, trying to reposition him so Farah could also climb on. 

This was fine… this was perfect. Just add one more fully grown human into the equation. 

Strained, Dirk looked over to Farah who was attempting to hold back laughter, and said “Farah?”

She chuckled, climbed on opposite of Todd, Dirk yelped. She tried wrapping her arms around Dirk’s neck to stabilize herself but Todd’s were in the way. She didn't have any space to lock her heels together like the privilege Todd had of climbing on first.

“Todd – ”

“Right – sorry,” He said, and lifted his arms off for Farah. 

He began to slip, he gripped onto Farah’s upper arms instead. 

This wasn’t enough. Nor was Dirk’s arms around their backs.

“ _Diiirk!_ – ” He was falling, dangerously close to the water. 

“Ouch!” He was squeezing Farah’s arms too tight. 

Without thinking, Dirk moved his hand to Todd’s ass to hold him up better. After the fact, his eyes widened in realization that just like last night – he had pushed a boundary. 

“I’m sorry – ”

But it worked, Todd stopped falling. 

With a shy, “you’re fine, thanks,” he wasn’t sure _what_ he was thanking Dirk for. He couldn’t keep from looking at him fondly out of the corner of his eye. 

Farah stared at the ground anxiously, open mouthed, terrified of falling and ending up like the rats.

“It’s fine, Farah,” Dirk said. “You won’t end up like the rats.”

“How did you – ”

“Shall we?” Dirk changed the subject. 

“I guess,” Todd said. 

With a grunt, Dirk took a step forward. Farah whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut. 

Another step and they were off. 

Dirk was right though, it wasn’t that bad. Once they got going, it wasn’t that hard to continue.

**_1 hour and 10 minutes until the end of the world – 10:50 p.m._ **

“How much time do we have?” Todd asked. 

They had since left the water. It seemed to be mostly flooded in the front. They were now wandering the corridors of the sewer system. Right now they were in the center of a four–way crossroads, _cross paths? Cross tunnels? Cross sewers?_

“Little more than an hour,” Dirk said looking at his phone. 

“Are you sure we are going in the right direction, Dirk?” Farah asked. 

“Yes. Positive.”

One of the strange things about this was how despite the giant honeycombs they hadn’t seen any bees. If it wasn’t for said honeycombs they would be worried they weren’t in the right place at all, and maybe Lucy was wrong. But she was right. It all seemed rather suspicious. Like she wasn’t telling them something. Dirk had mentioned her accomplice–ness. But she was dead. They had her brains in their backpack. No, that wasn’t right. The accomplice–ness was because she was studying them, not because she was in on it. Well, she was in on it, but not _in_ in on it. 

It was very strange, off. Dirk knew it. He wondered if they knew they were there. One way to test it. He was so glad he had spent a few extra minutes trying to find them before they left. 

Dirk reached into his pocket 

“What are you doing?” Todd asked. 

He pulled out a – jammy dodger?

They heard the low faint buzzing begin. 

“What the fuck? Why do you have – ” Todd began.

“Biscuits in my pocket?” Todd and Farah nodded. “I get hungry,” Dirk quickly explained, defensively. “Never leave home without jammy dodgers. But figured that they would be extra useful in case we needed to get ourselves out of a situation. Or into one for that matter.”

“I – this is a bad idea, Dirk,” Farah said. “We don’t want them to know we’re here.”

“I think it’s a little late for that,” he said. 

“Do you ever think before doing things?”

“Yes,” he said matter of factly. “How else would I decide to do things?”

Farah mentally facepalmed. 

“Put that away!” she whispered angrily. 

“We need to know where the bees are coming from!” Dirk said.

“No! We literally don’t!” Todd said.

But it was too late, he had taken a bite. 

A hundred or so bees emerged from the tunnel in front of them. And they were much bigger than normal bees should be, about the size of a kitten! It seemed to be that not only the queen was growing. _Damn it, Dirk!_

“Any bright ideas, Dirk?” Todd sneered at him. 

“In my defense, it seemed like a good idea at the time!” he yelled, panicked. 

“OH, SHUT UP AND JUST RUN!” Farah yelled as she swatted the cookie out of his hand and began running.

They immediately began running in the opposite direction. As fast as they possibly could, wary of the damp floor, trying their hardest not to slip. _Brilliant, Dirk. Absolutely brilliant._

And a very big bee, wasp actually, larger than a human adult, came from the direction they were running in. They stopped in their tracks. They all shot knowing looks, this was the queen.

“ _Oh, FUCK!_ ” Dirk blurted. He started going for his backpack, for the brains... until two more giant bees emerged. “Not-the-queen-not-the-queen-not-the-queen!” he shrieked as he slung the backpack back over his shoulder and began running in the third direction.

Farah and Todd followed Dirk, sprinting. Farah moved her jacket out of the way to grab her gun out of her holster. 

She turned around, facing the wasps, aiming for their heads, running backwards. 

“Find the queen! I’ll hold them off!”

Dirk stopped running, “Farah, no! Just run!”

“I SAID GO!”

With several loud bangs and flashes of light, only one of the wasps dropped. The smaller but still very much large and terrifying bees and two remaining wasps were very angered, now. But thankfully they didn’t decide to kill Farah.

No, they had a new tactic. 

After all, Dirk was the important one. 

They could have fun killing her later. It was Dirk they needed. 

So compliant, Dirk and Todd continued running, and they had to fight the urge to not run back when they heard Farah scream as the giant wasps picked her up and carried her off to who knows where for who knows what. 

Todd heard a thud, she dropped her gun. It was risky but he ran back to pick it up and bring it with. 

“FARAH!” Dirk yelled and stopped running. 

Todd turned the safety back on and slipped the gun under his belt. He grabbed Dirk’s shoulders and shook him out, “We’ll get her back, we have a job to do. RUN!”

“But – ”

“I said run, goddamnit!” He grabbed Dirk by the hand and pulled him along, running god knows where. 

“Mona?!” Todd yelled as the buzzing increased. 

The glowsticks turned green as if to say, “ _Yes?_ ”

“Follow Farah. Make sure she’s ok. If something happens, do something, I don’t know!” He said full of panic. 

The glowsticks flickered, in no particular pattern but they could feel it meant, “ _Ok! Got it! Stay safe, you can do it, Dirk!”_ She then turned into a rather large honey bee, matching the smaller ones that were chasing them; the only difference being a tiny aqua blue dot on her head meant to distinguish her as Mona and not a scary enemy bee. A brilliant disguise. 

And she flew off in the opposite direction of Dirk and Todd, where Farah was carried off too.

And maybe it was for the best because the bees all suddenly started following this strange new, mysterious, possibly intruder bee. 

Dirk and Todd breathed a sigh of relief.

Dirk stood, bent over, hands on his knees, panting, “You’d think for hyper–intelligent bees they’d be less likely to let us out of their sights.”

Todd chuckled breathlessly. 

“Now.” Once he had regained his breath, Dirk clapped. “Which way to the queen?”

Todd pointed to where the largest ones came from. “Probably there.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

**_40 minutes until the end of the world – 11:20_ **

Farah awoke lying down with a throbbing pain on the side of her head. The bees must have knocked her out. 

It was dark. Too dark for the sewers. It was pitch black. And you know what else? It didn’t smell. Well, it did smell. It smelled of _something_ . Not of sewage, and rotting rat corpses, but of something nonetheless. Something pleasant. Something… sweet, nutty, floral. Was it honey? It _was_ honey. 

She shifted around, there was some room. She stood up, clenching the side of her head, and walked around. It was a small space but roomy. They must have encased her in wax. _Not too hard to break out of, I’ll be back with them in no time!_

She lined up her stance, rooting her feet to the ground and curling her fists. Who knew how thick the wall was? There may have been multiple layers and she’d have to break out with her bare hands. She shook her head anxiously and rocked back and forth on her heels. 

Just as she was about to punch her way out of the case she heard a high-pitched, _“shhh!”_

And the space in the cell was smaller. 

“They’re handling it, stay put.” She’d recognize that voice anywhere. 

“Mona?” she whispered as she turned around.

Face to face, the only thing she could see were the emerald green eyes glowing back at her. 

“Don’t break out. There’s a tiny hole for air, I’ve been climbing in and out of it to check on you. There are several very scary looking bees standing guard.”

“Wha – how?”

“I’ve been disguising myself as a bee. They are rather stupid, you know.”

“I need to get back – ”

“Dirk and Todd, they sent me to make sure you’re ok. They’re on their way to kill the queen. Everything will be ok, I know it.”

“Can’t you like… do something?”

“Sorry, Farah. But I have strict orders from Todd. I don’t do anything unless they do anything.”

She pulled out her phone to check the time, not much left, and to see if she could text them to tell them she’s alright. _No service._ She shoved her phone back into her pocket.

“Well, can you at least go check on them and come back to tell me their progress?”

“What if something happened to you while I was gone?”

“I’m fine, Mona.”

“No. I’m staying here. They have it under control.”

She sighed in defeat. 

####  **_30 minutes until the end of the world – 11:30 p.m._ **

Dirk and Todd felt like they were walking in circles. Which, to be fair, everything here looked the same, so they probably were. They were back at that four-way crossing, jammy dodger crumbs on the ground and one giant wasp carcass at the mouth of a tunnel. Mona and Farah were God knows where, but they haven’t heard any large vehicles or crashing so everything with them was probably under control. That was probably the one upside to this entire situation. 

They were running out of time. That much was becoming abundantly clear. 

AND – 

“Todd, what if this doesn’t work?” Dirk sighed.

“What do you mean, what won’t work.”

“This brain thing, what if it doesn’t work. Seems pretty stupid to me.”

“That it does, but we have to trust Lucy. She knew much more about the situation than we did.”

“Knew, Todd. Key word: _knew._ She’s dead!”

“Dirk – ” he said in that tone he knew got Dirk to shut up. And he was never quite sure why. 

“Don’t ‘Dirk’ me! Farah’s been captured! And she could be dead for all we know. Two deaths on this case, Todd. Sure thousands have died alone on previous cases but this one, these are two intimate deaths – ”

“We don’t know she’s dead!”

“We don’t know she’s alive either!”

Dirk hung his head in defeat, staring at his hands as he picked at his nails anxiously. He saw Todd’s hands come into view and take his, at first to stop him, then it became indulgent as Dirk intertwined their fingers. 

“It’s ok. She’s fine. She’s Farah. She’s probably planning a sneak attack or something.”

He avoided eye contact at all costs. 

“You have her gun, Todd. Why don’t we read off her will? _Hm?_ ”

“Because she’s not dead.”

Dirk was silent. He still refused to lift his head.

“She’s fine. Everything is going to be fine. We’re going to figure this out like we always do.”

Still silent. He hated it when Dirk was silent.

“Dirk. Please.” His voice low and soft. 

“She’s fine.” He forced the words out of his lungs. He knew they were true. All evidence pointed to that, yes. And he didn’t have any hunches that she wasn’t ok. In fact, the universe was telling him that she was ok. Only just now, however, why it didn’t tell him that before he descended into fear and mourning he wasn’t sure. Why it was even telling him this he didn’t know. It never reassured him on anything, ever; it was quite stressful actually. 

The universe seemed to have a vendetta against Dirk. Like it seemed to enjoy messing with him like some sick game. But over the years Dirk had learned that the universe never lied, so it wasn’t messing with him telling him that Farah was ok. 

The universe informing him of her safety was almost suspicious. Like it had some ulterior motive. 

“She’s fine,” he repeated, nodding, asking the universe if it was correct, if it wasn’t playing tricks on him. It wasn’t.

“She’s fine,” Todd echoed, rubbing his thumb on the side of Dirk’s hand. 

And he knew she was fine, so why did the tears just come now? Why now did a hot lump rise to his throat? Why now did his eyes burn and blur before tears spilled over? Why now did his legs want to give out? Why now?

“Hey–hey–hey,” Todd said to the crying Dirk who had still refused to look at Todd. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know, Todd. Frankly, it’s all terrifying.”

“I know right?” Todd laughed.

Dirk indulged in a small chortle. All of the anxiety bubbling and brewing in him seemed to have left after a few seconds of crying. Well, most of it. Two very crucial points of anxiety remained. One being how they were going to finish the case.

“This one is very different,” he said.

“Tell me about it,” Todd scoffed.

They stood silent for a moment. 

Silence was dangerous. Silence led to thinking. Thinking led to feeling. Feeling was always dangerous, much like the silence. 

Because that other anxiety? Anxiety number two was being alone with Todd. 

Alone and silent. Standing so close, almost pressed together, holding hands that Dirk still refused to look away from. And he watched one of Todd’s hands let go of his. 

“Look at me,” Todd said tenderly.

But looking at Todd was dangerous. So was looking at Dirk. That was a risk Todd was willing to take.

In a daring move, Todd’s hand that had let go of Dirk’s moved up. Dirk watched it move up. Up and up and out of sight, because his finger rested under his chin, lifting it since Dirk refused to be compliant. Against his will, his breath hitched when he looked into Todd’s blue eyes that shone with compassion. 

“She is fine, you know that?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?” He held his hands once more and squeezed. He was pushing every boundary tonight. _Oh, fuck you, Todd._ “You’re not just saying that? I need to know that you really believe she’s ok.”

Dirk nodded. “I know. The universe told me.”

“Good.”

Dirk shifted slightly before letting go of Todd’s hands to lean over and hug him, wrapping his arms around his neck, he laid his head on Todd’s shoulder and sighed shakily.

Maybe now wasn’t the best time. No, it had to be the worst time. _The worst possible time._ But Todd had to, he had to do it. He was going to chicken out if he waited any longer. And after last night, after this, he knew. He knew Dirk loved him. And every ounce of fear left him for the time being. He had made up his mind. And he was finally going to do it.

Quietly. Oh-so quietly he said, “I love you.”

No ‘dude’, no ‘man’, no ‘we’, no joking manner, ‘I’. Just straight up, ‘I love you’. And that was rare. But Dirk knew to not entertain the idea that maybe he meant it like _that_. Because while rare, it wasn’t unprecedented. 

“I love you, too,” he said.

“No, Dirk, I love you.”

“Yes. I love you, too.” He just about wanted to slap Todd. 

Todd pulled away forcefully, but his eyes still were kind, his arms still gripped Dirk’s back tightly.

“No. I _love_ you.”

Dirk felt as if he could die. That’s it. Goodbye. Hasta la vista. Dirk Gently has left the building – er… sewers. 

He said it. He said _it._ With emphasis! With EMPHASIS! 

He stared at Todd open mouthed, still not believing it.

“I _love_ you too.” _Genius. Testing the waters._

The waters didn’t need to be tested, however, because less than a second later, a giggle later… It was stupid, really, to test the waters. Dip the tip of your toe in and not even wait for the temperature to set in before swan diving into the water headfirst. 

He held Todd’s face with both hands. Smiling from ear to ear, shaking his head in wet laughter, “I love you… I _love_ you.” Todd beamed at him. “I _LOVE_ you. Oh, God, I love you so much!”

And that was all Todd needed to hear, all he needed to continue where they had left off last night. 

He lifted a hand from Dirk’s back to his neck, guiding him down all the way, finally. And this time there were no interruptions after their eyes fluttered shut, there were no interruptions as their lips were mere atoms apart, and it most certainly did not matter if there were any interruptions as their lips came together. Full of love and wonder. 

And it was so much better than anything they could have ever hoped for. Anything they ever could have dreamed of. Because it wasn’t a hope, it wasn’t a dream, it was _real_ . It was real and true and so goddamn perfect. Finally, after three years of waiting and dreaming and hopelessly pining, they were in each other's arms, in each other's _embrace,_ kissing. _Kissing_. 

And it was like an angelic chorus, scratch that, the world’s most epic guitar solo was playing just for them. It was a hurricane, a swirling storm of emotions above their heads and around them with them at the eye. Controlling its speed with each breath they took, with each move they made, and it was so wordlessly, indescribably perfect. 

It was perfect the way they melted into each other, the sounds they made, the little hitches, the vibrations, gasps, and whimpers. The way Todd ran his hand up through Dirk’s hair and pulled him close around the waist. The way Dirk smiled into his lips as he ran his arm down Todd’s back. The way they became one. Pressed together, feeling each other's hearts race in a moment of ecstasy. 

It was long, lingering, and sweet, but not long enough as they both pulled away for air.

Breathless, Dirk rested his head on Todd’s, not before planting a kiss on his forehead. 

“I love you. God, I love you.”

“I love you,” Todd repeated.

Dirk smiled sweetly, “That was – ”

“Yeah,” Todd laughed.

And they stood like that for a second, holding each other close in a way they had longed to for so long, three years. And they didn’t have to speak, God, they didn’t even have to kiss anymore. Knowing that they had each other, knowing that the other loved him as much as he did, that was enough. They stood like that, just breathing in the remaining sensations and bubbling happiness.

Until Dirk remembered the case.

“Shit,” he whispered and let go of Todd.

Todd looked confused for a moment before he too remembered. Dirk showed him his phone screen. _20 minutes left._ “Shit,” he agreed.

Dirk grabbed him by the hand and pulled him in the last direction they hadn’t gone yet. 

####  **_10 minutes until the end of the world – 11:50 p.m._ **

It had finally worked. They made it. Just around the corner was a long hall, the honeycombs increased in quantity and size, a sweet smell became intoxicating. And in this long hall, was a pod of wax, and the biggest goddamn bee they had ever seen. 

Lucy was right. The size of an SUV. 

If that wasn’t terrifying, they didn’t know what was. 

Now, arguably they had a plan. 

_Get Lucy’s brains to the queen._

But as they peered their heads around the corner, they realized that they could not have been more ill-prepared. Well, they could have been… But the point was that they had no idea how to get the brains to the queen. Well, there’s a sentence you don’t hear every day. 

The mission parameters were simple. Get the brains. Find the queen. Put A and B together and give the brains to the queen, ship goes down. Oooh, that was three phases! All good epic action plans were in three phases, Dirk would have you know. 

See, the rule of three was a very important literary device used to keep readers entertained. No one was quite sure why though, people liked things in threes, Dirk thought this had to do with some universal law he was unaware of and only could sense. He liked to think that if it was good enough for fiction, it was good enough for real life, and he was a tad superstitious about threes and the universe’s preference for them. Regardless, even though this was a fictional device Dirk liked to implement it in his plans as often as he could. 

Right – where was he? Ah, they were utterly fucked.

Because it was really a lot more complex than that. Wouldn’t you think that they would know the amount of DNA they could take at once? Let’s sure hope not. And on top of that, they had to get her to eat it without getting themselves killed! How? 

Dirk had an idea though.

He slung his backpack off of his shoulders and pulled out the Tupperware container with Lucy’s brains inside. Did I mention her brains were blue? They were blue. They were cyan. 

Holding his breath and muttering “ _ew, ew, ew,_ ” to himself, he pulled a few remaining jammy dodgers out of his pocket and stuck them into the half rotting tissue of it.

“What are you doing?” Todd asked, disgusted.

“Baiting the queen.”

He tossed the container around the corner and watched it slide in front of the queen. 

Suspicious, she moved her antenna over it, then after a few seconds… ate it. 

And then nothing happened.

They whispered curses under their breaths and watched, hoping something would happen. 

And they waited.

And waited. 

And waited. 

Seven minutes had passed, and they were so close to midnight when suddenly with a large thump, the queen fell dead. 

“YES!” Dirk and Todd shouted in celebration. 

The worker bees all surrounded the queen, examining her, looking to see what happened. 

Seconds later, the surrounding bees all fell and the very loud buzzing stopped. 

Cautious, Dirk and Todd entered the chamber. Nothing moved. Except for one bee with a blue dot on her head. 

Mona transformed back into her human form and hugged Dirk and Todd tightly.

“You did it!” she said, jumping up and down.  
“I did, didn’t I?” Dirk replied, beaming, before he pulled back and asked very seriously, “where’s Farah?”

Mona pointed to the giant wax pod beside them. 

“Could you – ” Dirk began, but Mona already took his hands and transformed into a sledgehammer. “Thank you, Mona. STAND BACK FARAH!” he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“I can hear you just fine, Dirk. No need to scream,” came a muffled Farah voice from the pod.

With a swing of the Mona–hammer, the wax cracked. A few more and the pod shattered. Farah stepped out and there were hugs all around. 

“You did it!” She said.

“I did it!”

“Do the thing – ” Mona said excitedly. 

He smiled and took a step back, swung his arm up, and snapped, “Did it!”

They all laughed. Farah went off to examine the bees, Mona followed as a flashlight.

Todd stepped towards Dirk and smiled coyly before wrapping his arms up and around Dirk’s neck. 

“Hey,” he said. 

“Hi.”

“You solved it, you saved the world.”

“I suppose I did, didn’t I?” He smirked before leaning down and kissing Todd. And it was one or two seconds before Dirk’s phone went off. They ignored it, laughing slightly. But it didn’t stop going off. Groaning, he reached for his pocket, “Oi! We talked about this – ” Todd laughed hysterically. When he saw what it was he smiled. An alarm saying, “End of the World”. He tapped the screen and it stopped going off, but he turned it around to show Todd.

“Happy New Year, darling.” _12:00 a.m._

“Did we just – ” Dirk nodded, “Without even knowing it?” Dirk nodded. Todd chuckled, “That is so us.”

“It really is,” he giggled.

“Happy New Year, Dirk,” Todd grinned.

“Happy New Year.” He leaned in and kissed him again. This time interrupted by Farah.

“FINALLY!” she yelled, “What the hell did I miss?”

“So much,” they both said.

“I knew it!” Mona said after turning human again, “I knew he was your boyfriend!”

“Boyfriend,” Dirk began. “I like the sound of that, how about you, Todd?”

“I could get used to it,” he shrugged, failing to conceal a rather large smile.

“Ok, now seriously, let’s get out of here,” Farah said. “I never want to eat honey again.”

They all nodded.

###  **_January 1st, 2021_ **

Around two hours later, after showers all around, changes of clothes, and making sure Farah’s head was ok – it was, they had knocked her out with some sort of pheromone – they all sat in Dirk and Todd’s apartment. 

They played music loudly, not caring if it was two a.m., their neighbors were all surely were celebrating as hard as them. But they had another reason too, they had just saved the world. 

Tipsy as all fuck, laughing their asses off at Dirk and Todd’s story from this night and the previous.

It was a hectic night, a hectic year, but they were happy. 

And as they shouted the lyrics to some stupid song, Todd’s head rested on Dirk’s shoulder. And he had a hunch. This year, it most certainly wouldn’t be any less hectic, but good god would he be happy. 

Todd looked up at Dirk, “You ok? You look all… think-y”

Dirk brushed Todd’s hair away from his face. “I really am.”

Todd smiled at him lazily. “Happy New Year, love you.”

Dirk leaned over for a short kiss that extended drunkenly, “Love you, Happy New Year.”

**Author's Note:**

> And yes, the title is a reference to Puffles the horse from S1E8.


End file.
